Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 69)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 69 of 76

1. What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.

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2. It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.

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3. This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

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4. Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?

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5. Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.

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6. Ohh...Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!

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7. I am nigh!

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8. Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.

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9. Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! Ohh...Too much strudel.

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10. No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.

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11. Yes, exactly!

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12. No.

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13. Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?

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14. Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys.

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15. Take a bowl and pass it down.

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16. No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.

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17. No, impish or admirable.

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18. I decided earlier.

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19. Of course I checked it.

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20. I checked it more than once.

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21. Impish or admirable.

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22. Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. There you are.

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23. It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.

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24. You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year...as impish!

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25. No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder

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26. In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

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27. Stop giggling.

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28. It's a punishment. Hey, where are you going?

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29. But you work tomorrow.

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30. But we were gonna break the pig rib.

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31. Remember?

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32. No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!

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33. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?

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34. Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as impish.

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35. I judge you impish!

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36. They're not abandoning the party.

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37. Impish!

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38. Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight!

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39. Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.

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40. Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.

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41. I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.

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42. Damn It!

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43. No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.

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44. Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash!

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45. I found it!

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46. Oh! Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.

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47. Very impish.

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48. What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.

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49. Just lice Pam?

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50. Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

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51. Make way, nope, inspect me.

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52. Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning.

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53. It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?

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54. Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

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55. Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!

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56. To be burned!

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57. I'm not gonna lie. Lye!

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58. Let's talk pubes, people.

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59. Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right.

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60. Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!

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61. She's right Pam.

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62. Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.

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63. Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]

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64. Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple.

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65. I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.

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66. Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family ' brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.

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67. I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of 'Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire'.

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68. Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.

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69. Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.

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70. Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. See what you leave me with here, Jim?

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71. How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

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72. Mmm. That's a good' question. 300 times' 180' Um that comes to 25 minutes. Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

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73. There he is! We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but'

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74. Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh' No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?

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75. How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?

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76. Then looks like we have a deal' Son

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77. You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy?

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78. Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh?

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79. Guilty!

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80. It was his birthday, just turned three. So'

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81. 'But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say.

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82. Oh' really.

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83. Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.

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84. What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?

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85. You're being disrespectful!

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86. We don't get along.

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87. Terrible!

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88. Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!

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89. I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.

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90. Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you.

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91. His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it.

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92. Yeah? Like what?

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93. That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught 'saving treats' from the kitty litter box.

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94. Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.

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95. Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going 'please kitty, may I have some more?' You can't make this stuff up!

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96. Got cat turd collector written all over him.

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97. Do you mind? The men are talking.

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98. Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?

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99. Wait, so you're the boss?

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100. Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.

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