Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 69)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 69 of 76

1. What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55181

2. It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55183

3. This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55186

4. Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55188

5. Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55192

6. Ohh...Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55213

7. I am nigh!

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55215

8. Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55216

9. Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! Ohh...Too much strudel.

   Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55217

10. No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55219

11. Yes, exactly!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55222

12. No.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55224

13. Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55228

14. Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55231

15. Take a bowl and pass it down.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55235

16. No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55237

17. No, impish or admirable.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55239

18. I decided earlier.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55241

19. Of course I checked it.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55243

20. I checked it more than once.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55245

21. Impish or admirable.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55247

22. Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. There you are.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55249

23. It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55251

24. You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year...as impish!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55253

25. No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55255

26. In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55258

27. Stop giggling.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55260

28. It's a punishment. Hey, where are you going?

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55263

29. But you work tomorrow.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55265

30. But we were gonna break the pig rib.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55267

31. Remember?

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55269

32. No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55271

33. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present?

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55273

34. Jim Halpert. Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as impish.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55275

35. I judge you impish!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55277

36. They're not abandoning the party.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55279

37. Impish!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55282

38. Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. And guess what, kids. Belsnickel isn't real. It's me, Dwight!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55299

39. Everyone thought the food was gross, and that belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55307

40. Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55309

41. I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55311

42. Damn It!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55313

43. No, thanks. I'll just have another dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55321

44. Shh. Let's not speak of that. The Pig Rib! We could totally break the pig rib! I'm gonna dig it out of the trash!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55327

45. I found it!

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55330

46. Oh! Damn It! Jim got the bigger half.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55332

47. Very impish.

    Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55346

48. What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55400

49. Just lice Pam?

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55402

50. Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55403

51. Make way, nope, inspect me.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55404

52. Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55406

53. It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits?

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55422

54. Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55425

55. Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed!

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55454

56. To be burned!

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55456

57. I'm not gonna lie. Lye!

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55459

58. Let's talk pubes, people.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55479

59. Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55511

60. Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No!

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55513

61. She's right Pam.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55552

62. Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55554

63. Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office]

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55560

64. Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55562

65. I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.

    Season 9 · Episode 10 · Quote 55583

66. Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family ' brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55611

67. I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of 'Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire'.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55612

68. Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55614

69. Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55616

70. Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. See what you leave me with here, Jim?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55618

71. How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55620

72. Mmm. That's a good' question. 300 times' 180' Um that comes to 25 minutes. Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55622

73. There he is! We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but'

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55647

74. Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh' No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55649

75. How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55651

76. Then looks like we have a deal' Son

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55653

77. You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55666

78. Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55668

79. Guilty!

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55670

80. It was his birthday, just turned three. So'

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55673

81. 'But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55712

82. Oh' really.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55714

83. Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55716

84. What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55718

85. You're being disrespectful!

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55720

86. We don't get along.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55722

87. Terrible!

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55724

88. Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius!

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55726

89. I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55752

90. Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55755

91. His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55757

92. Yeah? Like what?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55759

93. That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught 'saving treats' from the kitty litter box.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55761

94. Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55764

95. Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going 'please kitty, may I have some more?' You can't make this stuff up!

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55766

96. Got cat turd collector written all over him.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55770

97. Do you mind? The men are talking.

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55799

98. Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55801

99. Wait, so you're the boss?

    Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55804

100. Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.

     Season 9 · Episode 11 · Quote 55836