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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 1 of 122

  1. All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 1

  2. So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 3

  3. All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.

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  4. Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... So that's the way it's done.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 6

  5. I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 7

  6. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 9

  7. Any messages?

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  8. Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 13

  9. It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.

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  10. People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious.' 'And you get the best out of us.' I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 16

  11. Whassup!

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  12. Whassup!

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  13. Whass...up!

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 23

  14. What?

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  15. OK. All right. See you later.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 27

  16. Back to work.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 29

  17. Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 31

  18. Um... Me no get an agenda.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 33

  19. I didn't get any agenda.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 35

  20. Really? I didn't... Did we get a fax this morning?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 37

  21. Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 39

  22. Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 41

  23. Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 43

  24. OK...

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  25. No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 47

  26. All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 49

  27. OK. No problem.

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  28. Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 53

  29. Question. How long do we have to... Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 54

  30. Packman.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 56

  31. Oh, that's not appropriate.

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  32. Uh, I don't know what you mean.

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  33. Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 62

  34. No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Like that.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 64

  35. Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 74

  36. Hey.

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  37. Guilty! Guilty as charged!

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 78

  38. Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.

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  39. Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 82

  40. Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 98

  41. Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 100

  42. I'm sorry?

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  43. If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 104

  44. I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 105

  45. People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 106

  46. Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 107

  47. Assistant to the Regional Manager.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 109

  48. I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.

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  49. You don't know what it is.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 114

  50. I don't need your permission.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 116

  51. Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 118

  52. Not gonna happen.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 121

  53. It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 123

  54. No.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 126

  55. Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 128

  56. I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 130

  57. Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 133

  58. No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 136

  59. Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 139

  60. Introduce yourself. Be polite.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 141

  61. Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 143

  62. That's his profit.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 145

  63. OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 148

  64. What is that?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 153

  65. No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 155

  66. Discipline. Kinky! All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 159

  67. And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 161

  68. Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 163

  69. Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

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  70. Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 167

  71. So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 189

  72. You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 191

  73. Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 193

  74. Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 195

  75. Why? Well, theft and stealing.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 197

  76. Post-it Notes.

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  77. 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 201

  78. Yeah. I am.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 203

  79. But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 205

  80. You been X'd punk! Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 206

  81. I don't know about that.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 208

  82. What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?' Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 209

  83. Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 231

  84. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 233

  85. Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 235

  86. Messages?

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  87. Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. Now, who was the one before Curly?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 239

  88. Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 241

  89. Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. I'm Hitler. Right. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 243

  90. All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. 'I'm gonna get you, downsizing.' No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 244

  91. So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. 'Very interesting, but stupid.' Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 245

  92. What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 254

  93. What's that?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 255

  94. Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 257

  95. Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 259

  96. Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 261

  97. Do I need to speak up? Hello.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 262

  98. I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 270

  99. Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 271

  100. Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 273