Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 72)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 72 of 76

1. I'd like to rat out Andy. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a boy-who-cried-wolf dynamic with David Wallace. Except, instead of a boy, I'm a man. And instead of a wolf, I cried genetically-engineered monster wolf.

   Season 9 · Episode 15 · Line 56865

2. Fine! The state he's in, Wallace will take one look at him and probably fire him anyway.

   Season 9 · Episode 15 · Line 56871

3. Well, we had the Scranton White Pages.

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4. ' lit the whole thing on fire. It was crazy.

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5. Yeah.

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6. The whole thing is in ashes. Fire department was here. It was in all the papers.

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7. No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.

   Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57005

8. I need you.

   Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57006

9. And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.

   Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57008

10. It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57010

11. You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned' by Aunt Shirley.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57012

12. Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57014

13. Thank you.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57016

14. Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57018

15. And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57020

16. There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.

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17. It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57024

18. It's a divet...

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57026

19. ..where it was and it needs, it needs a...

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57028

20. How dare you?

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57033

21. Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57062

22. This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57066

23. OK

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57068

24. You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57070

25. Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57074

26. Ok.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57076

27. Yeah, trust me.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57078

28. It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57080

29. In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57134

30. Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57136

31. No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57138

32. It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57188

33. You'll see. Here we go.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57190

34. Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57192

35. Let's get to it.

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36. Give it a whirl.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57196

37. I need you to hose my aunt.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57199

38. OK you are useless.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57201

39. Give me the hose!

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57203

40. Ahh! OK!

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57205

41. Yes ma'am.

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42. And you look like one too. Thank you Angela.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57349

43. By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57351

44. Would you like the stink sack?

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45. No, you don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57355

46. Ok. Well, gosh. Thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57370

47. Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or, we could use the slaughterhouse.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57372

48. Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57374

49. I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The eighty or ninety years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57376

50. Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.

    Season 9 · Episode 16 · Line 57378

51. Hold it!

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57461

52. I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57464

53. I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57466

54. My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57467

55. Keep them.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57469

56. In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57471

57. Excuse me?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57476

58. OK. That's not...

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57478

59. I really hope so.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57481

60. I miss her so much.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57483

61. You know?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57485

62. Zeke.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57487

63. Are you going?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57490

64. Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57492

65. Get...

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57494

66. What are you doing here?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57495

67. Oh, yeah.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57497

68. Jeb, my brother.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57499

69. Uh-huh.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57501

70. Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57519

71. Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57521

72. Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57523

73. You had black hair and then gray hair.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57526

74. You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57530

75. Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. What is this? Oh, god. Henry.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57540

76. I see Esther's back in town.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57542

77. Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57544

78. Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57546

79. OK.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57548

80. So, let's get it going.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57552

81. We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57555

82. Thank you.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57577

83. I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57580

84. Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57586

85. Of course you are.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57588

86. Oh my god.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57590

87. You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57594

88. You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57597

89. OK.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57601

90. [counts down in French]

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57603

91. Oui.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57605

92. People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57607

93. Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57630

94. Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57632

95. If you want.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57634

96. This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57636

97. Did you just ask me if this was a cow?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57638

98. Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57640

99. Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?

    Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57642

100. OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?

     Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57644