Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 67)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 67 of 76

1. You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.

   Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53832

2. Bildenkinder.

   Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53834

3. When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!

   Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53841

4. Oh, better than OK. You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.

   Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53843

5. Everybody! Hang on!

   Season 9 · Episode 4 · Quote 53848

6. This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.

   Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53879

7. It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.

   Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53881

8. My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...

   Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53882

9. I can't get it out. Try again!

   Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53884

10. I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53885

11. Jim, no. No. No! No!

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53886

12. But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53887

13. At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53888

14. What lab did these little clones escape from?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53914

15. Jim. Look I'm eating you.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53931

16. Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53933

17. Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53935

18. Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53937

19. Hello little pill. What do you do?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53939

20. Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53940

21. Dumatril!

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53944

22. Dumatril.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53946

23. This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. It's for a disorder of the mind.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53948

24. Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... They are now off their meds.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53950

25. Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53952

26. I'll get my apprehension kit.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53956

27. Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53991

28. That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53993

29. So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53995

30. Is that where the nanobots like to come in?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53997

31. Is that how they like to get in?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 53999

32. I don't know. I just don't know.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54001

33. Hey.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54030

34. All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54040

35. You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54042

36. Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54044

37. Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54046

38. What?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54049

39. Oh.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54051

40. I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54101

41. I want some of those pills.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54161

42. Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54163

43. Which one? Mose or the real Mose?

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54165

44. He says Thank you.

    Season 9 · Episode 5 · Quote 54167

45. I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54190

46. The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? 'Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.' It's that easy.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54191

47. blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests]

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54198

48. ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54200

49. Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54202

50. Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- This is Dwight Shrute.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54232

51. Iris, thank you so much for having me.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54235

52. Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54267

53. Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54269

54. Yes..?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54271

55. Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54273

56. That's impossible.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54275

57. OK, how is my voice now?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54287

58. This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54289

59. This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! I dare you to produce one credible source about this.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54295

60. Thank you Sandra!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54300

61. Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54302

62. Get out of here moron!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54304

63. uhhhh....no one.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54306

64. No, everything's fine.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54308

65. [chokes up]

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54310

66. That's what I'm saying! No of course not!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54320

67. My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54335

68. Please sir! Spare him. Please.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54386

69. Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54388

70. David, is that you?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54399

71. Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54401

72. Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54403

73. You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54405

74. Walk out of the house...

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54407

75. ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54409

76. Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54411

77. Shrute! Shrute!

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54413

78. Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.

    Season 9 · Episode 6 · Quote 54414

79. Dwight Schrute. Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54473

80. And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54475

81. No, he shouldn't.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54478

82. Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54480

83. The White Pages.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54482

84. The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing 'the White Whale'. Look at all that sweet blubber.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54483

85. I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54485

86. Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54487

87. Yeah! Okay. Hey David, I'm back.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54489

88. So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54491

89. Her name?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54493

90. Shhh! Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54495

91. Good luck to you.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54497

92. That is a damnable lie. I love women.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54499

93. 'Gy-na' said that?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54503

94. Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54542

95. Hello.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54545

96. May I please speak to your boss?

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54547

97. Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54550

98. [sighing]

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54553

99. I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes

    Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54555

100. I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.

     Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54557