Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 67)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 67 of 76

1. You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it.

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2. Bildenkinder.

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3. When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way!

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4. Oh, better than OK. You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie.

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5. Everybody! Hang on!

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6. This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.

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7. It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.

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8. My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ...

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9. I can't get it out. Try again!

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10. I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...

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11. Jim, no. No. No! No!

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12. But as Jim and I discovered... No! ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.

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13. At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?

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14. What lab did these little clones escape from?

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15. Jim. Look I'm eating you.

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16. Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims.

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17. Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink.

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18. Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet.

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19. Hello little pill. What do you do?

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20. Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst.

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21. Dumatril!

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22. Dumatril.

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23. This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. It's for a disorder of the mind.

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24. Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... They are now off their meds.

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25. Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me.

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26. I'll get my apprehension kit.

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27. Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead.

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28. That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?

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29. So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?

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30. Is that where the nanobots like to come in?

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31. Is that how they like to get in?

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32. I don't know. I just don't know.

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33. Hey.

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34. All right. All right, just ...stay focused on the pill.

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35. You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.

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36. Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!

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37. Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh?

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38. What?

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39. Oh.

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40. I agree. Yes, crap. Continue.

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41. I want some of those pills.

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42. Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose.

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43. Which one? Mose or the real Mose?

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44. He says Thank you.

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45. I do! I do. I do. I do. I do.

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46. The media can make you famous. And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? 'Uh, yeah wow. 10 reams of 40 pound bond at only $690 after discount? Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.' It's that easy.

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47. blah blah blah, rat tat tat tittle tattled and prattled on about the little metal bottle, she spat a bit of spittle...[Group protests]

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48. ...In a bitter battle..Hey, hey! Stop questioning my methods, OK? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.

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49. Tricky siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit....

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50. Vroom! Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin. Good. Sounds- This is Dwight Shrute.

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51. Iris, thank you so much for having me.

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52. Iris, let me tell you. David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands on.

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53. Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.

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54. Yes..?

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55. Now then, we were saying. When my workers-gather-

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56. That's impossible.

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57. OK, how is my voice now?

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58. This is gotcha journalism. You know what? They're not gonna gotch me.

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59. This is slander, Ms. Black. Slander I say! I dare you to produce one credible source about this.

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60. Thank you Sandra!

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61. Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled!

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62. Get out of here moron!

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63. uhhhh....no one.

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64. No, everything's fine.

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65. [chokes up]

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66. That's what I'm saying! No of course not!

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67. My resignation? What are you talking about? No! I was just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and chairman, David Wallace!

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68. Please sir! Spare him. Please.

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69. Ok, everyone. Everyone, hold on! I've got a solution. I know Wallace's phone number, everyone hold, I'll conference him in.

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70. David, is that you?

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71. Oh, thank god. Oh, thank god. Are you ok? Is everyone ok?

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72. Oh, I'm OK. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I really do. And I believe in your ability to make the right choices. I always have, David.

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73. You're welcome, sir. But David, listen to me carefully. I'm gonna need you to let the mailman go. Ok?

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74. Walk out of the house...

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75. ...with your hands on top of your head, everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.

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76. Wait a minute, you guys? You heard?

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77. Shrute! Shrute!

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78. Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.

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79. Dwight Schrute. Well, hi there David Wallace. Why would you ever call me when the manager is out of town?

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80. And you didn't call Jim - that seems significant.

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81. No, he shouldn't.

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82. Okay, David, I want to take you off speaker but... I don't know where I'd put you.

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83. The White Pages.

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84. The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing 'the White Whale'. Look at all that sweet blubber.

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85. I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. Hah! Yah! Woooo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... where's Stanley?

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86. Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?

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87. Yeah! Okay. Hey David, I'm back.

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88. So uh, last I remember Tom Peterman was in charge of that account?

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89. Her name?

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90. Shhh! Thanks David! Thank you so much for calling me!

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91. Good luck to you.

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92. That is a damnable lie. I love women.

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93. 'Gy-na' said that?

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94. Okay. With pleasure. Get ready to learn a few new tricks, old dog.

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95. Hello.

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96. May I please speak to your boss?

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97. Okay, this isn't working for me, 'cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.

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98. [sighing]

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99. I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes

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100. I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.

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