Jim Halpert Quotes from The Office

Salesman, prank enthusiast, permanent camera confidant.

6,816 quotes · page 1 of 69

Best Jim Halpert quotes

1. OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 162

2. My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 232

3. Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 609

4. Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Quote 1976

5. A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?

   Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4353

6. I was just... I'm in love with you.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9416

7. I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9418

8. I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

   Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9523

9. It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question. What kind of bear is best?

   Season 3 · Episode 20 · Quote 15342

10. Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Quote 15346

11. All right. Then... it's a date.

    Season 3 · Episode 23 · Quote 16929

12. Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality.

    Season 4 · Episode 5 · Quote 19425

13. Pam, will you marry me?

    Season 5 · Episode 1 · Quote 23082

14. I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon.

    Season 6 · Episode 2 · Quote 31276

15. I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

    Season 6 · Episode 4 · Quote 32237

16. Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.

    Season 6 · Episode 16 · Quote 35728

17. Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life. You could see yourself change and make mistakes'and grow up. You could watch yourself fall in love, watch yourself become a husband, become a father. You guys gave that to me. And that's'an amazing gift.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Quote 59890

18. I sold paper at this company for 12 years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Quote 59908

Every Jim Halpert quote, in script order

1. Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 2

2. Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 4

3. My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 18

4. Whassup! I still love that after seven years.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 20

5. Nothing.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 26

6. All right. Take care.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 28

7. Yes?

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 71

8. Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 73

9. Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 85

10. What are you doing?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 87

11. It's not on your desk.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 89

12. Why not?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 92

13. We'll see. This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 94

14. If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 137

15. How do you know it was me?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 157

16. OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 162

17. Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 168

18. That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 170

19. Tonight, hopefully.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 172

20. What's going on?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 175

21. You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 182

22. Yeah, yeah.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 184

23. Um... What's in the bag?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 185

24. No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 187

25. Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 188

26. Hey.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 211

27. How are things?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 212

28. Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 214

29. Good. Good.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 216

30. That's great

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 218

31. Yeah?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 220

32. Am I walking out?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 222

33. Yes, I... Do you want to...

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 224

34. Great. Let me just...

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 226

35. Oh, Roy.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 227

36. Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. You know what, just come here.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 229

37. My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 232

38. That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, '100% post-consumer content.' What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 275

39. Do you really have to do that right now?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 276

40. Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... Hello? Thanks, Dwight.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 278

41. That is not the expression.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 280

42. This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 282

43. Solitaire?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 283

44. Six on seven.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 285

45. So then, why didn't you do it?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 287

46. Who doesn't love that?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 289

47. Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 299

48. You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 301

49. Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 378

50. : Uh, is that it?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 387

51. Hello? Hello?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 413

52. What are you watching?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 436

53. Really?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 438

54. No way. I think she likes this stuff.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 440

55. Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 442

56. Oh, yeah. She's hot.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 444

57. Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 458

58. Um... Hey.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 466

59. Hey.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 468

60. We can go.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 470

61. That's fine.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 472

62. Uh... Not a bad day.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 473

63. Freecell.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 512

64. Well, I mean.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 514

65. Um, what's going on here?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 534

66. Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 536

67. Yes, yes.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 538

68. How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 540

69. Try this.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 542

70. Go get 'em.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 544

71. Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 563

72. I think she wasn't wearing a card.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 566

73. Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 594

74. Interesting, what's that like?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 596

75. Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 598

76. Gosh.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 602

77. That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 604

78. Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 606

79. Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 607

80. Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 609

81. It says 'workspace'.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 636

82. If it's the same thing, then why did you write 'workspace'?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 638

83. You are not my superior.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 640

84. I thought it was a workspace?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 642

85. You cut more than you had to, didn't you?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 647

86. Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 649

87. OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 651

88. OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 680

89. Workspace.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 682

90. Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 689

91. Oh, great.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 691

92. I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 693

93. Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 695

94. What are you talking about?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 706

95. OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 708

96. Absolutely not.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 711

97. No I didn't.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 713

98. Killer nanorobots?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 715

99. Sounds tough.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 718

100. Do you?

     Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 720