Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 68

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54559

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54579

That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54581

What are you doing?

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54583

Kind of.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54585

I am a person.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54589

That's a bit extreme.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54592

Okay, I'm a woman. I'm a woman. Good?

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54596

Hello.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54598

Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54600

Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders!

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54606

I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54608

Okay, I can do that.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54610

He used to fight dogs.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54612

Little of this, little of that.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54614

Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54643

Oh, dear God in heaven.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54645

Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54653

Listening.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54660

Sorry.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54662

Okay.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54664

Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54670

Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54711

You're the Quizno's. Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54714

Hmm?

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54716

He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54720

Very good.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54722

Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54741

Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54743

That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54745

Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God.

Season 9 · Episode 7 · Quote 54747

Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54759

Come on in, the water's fine.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54775

I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54777

Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54779

All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54781

Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54783

I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54785

Text went through.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54787

All we can do is sit and wait.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54789

Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54791

Get in the van.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54821

Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54824

Does he own a gun? Show her.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54828

Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54834

Mm-hmm. Good safe?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54836

Wow!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54838

You get half now and half upon completion of said job.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54857

You can't have someone murdered.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54865

What did they do to you, Angela?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54867

Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54869

Yes. Crazy. Thank you.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54871

No! No!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54873

Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54875

No! You're not helping, Trevor!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54879

No. Angela! What are you saying?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54881

I'm trying, but what you're asking is--

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54883

Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54885

The target-- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54935

Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54937

Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54939

I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54941

What do you mean?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54943

No! No, no!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54945

Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54946

Come -- come with me.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54948

There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54950

There's no time to explain. Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54971

What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54973

Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54975

Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54976

No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54978

Disarm!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54981

Don't move. And disarm now!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54983

No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 54985

No.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55000

See ya later, Trevor.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55003

I just saved your life. You're welcome!

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55005

Oscar.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55017

You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55031

I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55033

I don't like him either. And yet I really like him.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55035

Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55051

Is it called red-vining?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55060

We heard it was called red-vining.

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55062

Where are gay mens' vaginas?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55064

What?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55066

When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?

Season 9 · Episode 8 · Quote 55068

Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55074

Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning 'Love,' and adelph, meaning 'Adolf.' 'the city that loves Adolf.' Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55076

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55091

Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55101

This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55105

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55165

Uh-huh.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55167

Uh, Oh.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55169

You have never been cooler.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55171

And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55175

That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55177

Somebody's found the hog maw.

Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55179

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 68)