Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 68)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 68 of 76

1. I thought it went great.

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2. Yes.

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3. That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.

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4. What are you doing?

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5. Kind of.

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6. I am a person.

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7. That's a bit extreme.

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8. Okay, I'm a woman. I'm a woman. Good?

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9. Hello.

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10. Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.

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11. Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their, their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders!

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12. I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.

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13. Okay, I can do that.

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14. He used to fight dogs.

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15. Little of this, little of that.

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16. Just a little off the top and then a nice combing. Yeah, just comb it.

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17. Oh, dear God in heaven.

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18. Hey. Your daughter could be a bubble bath model. I could just bite her head off.

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19. Listening.

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20. Sorry.

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21. Okay.

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22. Yes, she is. Now, I may not have any instincts with women, but I have an instinct for sales. You keep her occupied. I'll be right back.

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23. Jan... You thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.

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24. You're the Quizno's. Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs -- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?

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25. Hmm?

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26. He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.

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27. Very good.

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28. Oh and uh, Molly... I know it can't be easy working for Jan. Good luck with your feelings.

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29. Oh, I got her number. 415-YCL.

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30. That's all you need. And when I have curried favor with her, I will let you know.

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31. Because you are my friend and you are a woman... And women love gossip. It's like air to you people. Ugh, God.

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32. Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring.

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33. Come on in, the water's fine.

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34. I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes.

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35. Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband?

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36. All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping?

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37. Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force.

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38. I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text.

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39. Text went through.

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40. All we can do is sit and wait.

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41. Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem.

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42. Get in the van.

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43. Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good.

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44. Does he own a gun? Show her.

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45. Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him?

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46. Mm-hmm. Good safe?

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47. Wow!

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48. You get half now and half upon completion of said job.

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49. You can't have someone murdered.

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50. What did they do to you, Angela?

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51. Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you.

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52. Yes. Crazy. Thank you.

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53. No! No!

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54. Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch--

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55. No! You're not helping, Trevor!

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56. No. Angela! What are you saying?

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57. I'm trying, but what you're asking is--

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58. Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn.

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59. The target-- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other.

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60. Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils.

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61. Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend?

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62. I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.

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63. What do you mean?

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64. No! No, no!

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65. Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me.

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66. Come -- come with me.

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67. There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary.

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68. There's no time to explain. Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps.

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69. What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child?

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70. Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us.

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71. Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us.

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72. No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe.

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73. Disarm!

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74. Don't move. And disarm now!

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75. No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend.

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76. No.

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77. See ya later, Trevor.

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78. I just saved your life. You're welcome!

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79. Oscar.

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80. You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid.

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81. I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey.

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82. I don't like him either. And yet I really like him.

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83. Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted?

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84. Is it called red-vining?

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85. We heard it was called red-vining.

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86. Where are gay mens' vaginas?

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87. What?

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88. When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?

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89. Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-Whatever.

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90. Philadelphia. From the greek phila meaning 'Love,' and adelph, meaning 'Adolf.' 'the city that loves Adolf.' Good luck with your new enterprise and don't wear the blue striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle.

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91. What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

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92. Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular.

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93. This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo, matrix style.

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94. Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Okay! Yes! It's a Christmas Miracle! Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!

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95. Uh-huh.

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96. Uh, Oh.

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97. You have never been cooler.

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98. And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.

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99. That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.

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100. Somebody's found the hog maw.

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