Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 70)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 70 of 76

1. That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much?

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2. Actually' You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too.

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3. Yes! We did it!

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4. And you closed it. The boys are back in town. High fives! Ha ha!

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5. You got me! I used to collect them!

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6. Each one is very different, like a snowflake.

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7. Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. 'Scranton Mimeograph Corp?' I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. A letter from Robert Dunder. 'A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.' The Holy Grail.

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8. Aha! A lightbulb.

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9. A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. Invisible ink.

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10. 'Higher than numbers go.' The ceiling above accounting!

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11. An 'X.'

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12. Oh.

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13. 'Sedes introiti.' Seat of entrance.

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14. [shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]

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15. Let's just forget it. Forget it.

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16. Pfft, 'Athlead'? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it 'Stumpany,' for 'Stupid Company.'

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17. You're working for 'Stumpany' too?

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18. What?

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19. Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end?

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20. You won't stop until you've poached us all.

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21. No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me.

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22. Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below.

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23. You're welcome.

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24. This -- uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want.

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25. Yeah, we'll see about that.

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26. Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? 'Infuriating, irresponsible'...

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27. Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out.

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28. Customer Loyalty. What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it's an idea. But what does it mean?

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29. Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority-- the client.

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30. No, you're not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? L--

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31. Loyalty.

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32. Thank you.

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33. Yes.

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34. Yeah.

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35. Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself?

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36. It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products.

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37. Are you pretending to be crazy, huh?

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38. You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! Here we go! Yeah!

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39. Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun!

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40. Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports.

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41. Yes. Fast food. I'll take a burger over a gross Philly cheese-steak any day.

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42. Not like this.

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43. Thank you.

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44. Nope. Fire in the hole! Oh, yeah! Now that's what working at a paper company's all about!

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45. Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k-- We have to go.

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46. It's a youtube thing! Let's go. Let's go. Come on, they're coming.

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47. It barely even feels like a prank anymore.

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48. Ha ha! Yeah, joke's on you buddy! They make you come back and clean it up!

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49. [sighs]

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50. What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee?

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51. That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.

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52. Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.

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53. Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, 'Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.' Wow.

    Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56183

54. Mm-hmm.

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55. You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance.

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56. Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor ' he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants.

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57. Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

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58. I chose my words very carefully.

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59. Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor.

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60. Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.

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61. And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!

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62. No doy!

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63. No earbuds!

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64. So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything.

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65. Well, I'm the one offering the job.

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66. I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager.

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67. Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference.

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68. Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, 'Jump,' and he says, 'Oh who?' He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

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69. What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman?

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70. Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman.

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71. All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?

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72. There were only two options.

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73. This is a bus transfer.

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74. I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.

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75. Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party.

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76. Thank you.

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77. Damn it! Perfect answer, again.

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78. Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond '

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79. And anoth'

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80. No.

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81. It does, but still no.

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82. Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here.

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83. Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.

    Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56276

84. What quality would make you a good sales associate?

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85. It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.

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86. You know we live together, right?

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87. And I've never seen you go to work, ever.

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88. So why is this on your resume?

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89. When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.

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90. This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying.

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91. David.

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92. Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.

    Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56313

93. Sounds fair to me, David.

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94. No. Why not do it now?

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95. I'd love to be in the loop, David.

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96. I'd love to invest.

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97. I'd like to give you $100 million.

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98. I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.

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99. You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.

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100. Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.

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