Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 1 of 76

Best Dwight Schrute quotes

1. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 142

2. It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 152

3. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 621

4. I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 652

5. Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

   Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2827

6. Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

   Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3649

7. Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!

   Season 2 · Episode 17 · Quote 7779

8. I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

   Season 2 · Episode 21 · Quote 8932

9. Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

   Season 3 · Episode 3 · Quote 10028

10. I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10431

11. Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10750

12. I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

    Season 3 · Episode 8 · Quote 11478

13. I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

    Season 3 · Episode 13 · Quote 13363

14. Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?

    Season 3 · Episode 15 · Quote 13876

15. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing.

    Season 3 · Episode 16 · Quote 14021

16. I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

    Season 3 · Episode 16 · Quote 14091

17. You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Quote 15349

18. I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.' Well I say, 'It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.'

    Season 4 · Episode 7 · Quote 19940

19. What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Quote 25544

20. Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Quote 26967

21. No I disagree. 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder.' And not 'muck-duck.'

    Season 6 · Episode 5 · Quote 32323

22. Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-

    Season 6 · Episode 7 · Quote 33203

23. You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

    Season 6 · Episode 18 · Quote 36334

24. In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.

    Season 7 · Episode 11 · Quote 41924

25. Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? You're like a giant walking salami!

    Season 7 · Episode 21 · Quote 44388

Every Dwight Schrute quote, in script order

1. Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 17

2. Whassup!

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 22

3. Whassup.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 24

4. What?

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 86

5. Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 88

6. It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 90

7. You can't do that.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 91

8. Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 93

9. Downsizing?

   Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 95

10. Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 96

11. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 108

12. OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 110

13. Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 113

14. OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 115

15. Go ahead.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 117

16. On his mother's grave.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 125

17. Pam, information is power.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 134

18. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 142

19. Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 144

20. New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 146

21. Damn it! Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 147

22. He put my stuff in Jell-O again.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 149

23. That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 151

24. It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 152

25. That is my stapler.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 154

26. OK you know what, you can be a witness. Can you reprimand him?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 156

27. It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 158

28. Yeah.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 160

29. OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 166

30. Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 230

31. People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, 'Hello, how are you? How's business been going?' And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?' And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 238

32. That's fine.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 264

33. I'm sorry it makes me nervous.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 266

34. I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: It's...

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 268

35. I'm doing my job.

    Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 269

36. Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 277

37. Retaliation. Tit for tit.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 279

38. Well, it should be.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 281

39. I have two. White and Indian.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 318

40. A few of the ground rules?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 324

41. OK, can we steer away from gay people?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 326

42. I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 328

43. I figured it would save time.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 330

44. Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 352

45. A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 354

46. A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 356

47. We all have a hero in our heart.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 358

48. Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 426

49. Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 427

50. OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 429

51. Outback steakhouse. I'm Australian, mate!

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 431

52. Oh, man, am I a woman?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 434

53. I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 481

54. What you doing?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 511

55. Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 513

56. What's your win rate?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 515

57. You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 517

58. Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 520

59. Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 522

60. Take six.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 524

61. Action.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 526

62. And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 528

63. Cut.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 530

64. Oh, man, am I a woman?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 537

65. God!

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 539

66. It's not fair.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 541

67. Thank you. Thank you very much.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 543

68. Good. So, am I a hunter gather culture?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 545

69. Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 547

70. No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 549

71. Am I nomadic?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 551

72. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 553

73. No. But I am, I am human, right?

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 555

74. I could be French.

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 556

75. Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 557

76. Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 608

77. OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 610

78. OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 612

79. Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 614

80. OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 616

81. Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 618

82. What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 620

83. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 621

84. Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 635

85. Same thing.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 637

86. Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 639

87. Oh gee, then why do I have an office?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 641

88. Yes. And my decision in final.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 644

89. Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 646

90. Sure.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 648

91. Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 650

92. I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 652

93. So I can lower it.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 654

94. It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 664

95. Yeah, you said...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 668

96. I can handle that.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 670

97. OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 679

98. OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 681

99. Damnit! Damnit Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 704

100. All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

     Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 705