Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,534 quotes · page 1 of 76

1. Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum

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2. Whassup!

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3. Whassup.

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4. What?

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5. Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.

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6. It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.

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7. You can't do that.

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8. Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.

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9. Downsizing?

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10. Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

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11. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.

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12. OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?

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13. Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?

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14. OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.

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15. Go ahead.

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16. On his mother's grave.

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17. Pam, information is power.

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18. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

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19. Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.

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20. New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.

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21. Damn it! Jim!

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22. He put my stuff in Jell-O again.

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23. That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

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24. It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

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25. That is my stapler.

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26. OK you know what, you can be a witness. Can you reprimand him?

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27. It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

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28. Yeah.

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29. OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

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30. Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

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31. People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, 'Hello, how are you? How's business been going?' And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?' And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.

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32. That's fine.

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33. I'm sorry it makes me nervous.

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34. I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: It's...

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35. I'm doing my job.

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36. Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.

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37. Retaliation. Tit for tit.

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38. Well, it should be.

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39. I have two. White and Indian.

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40. A few of the ground rules?

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41. OK, can we steer away from gay people?

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42. I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.

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43. I figured it would save time.

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44. Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.

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45. A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.

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46. A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.

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47. We all have a hero in our heart.

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48. Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.

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49. Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.

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50. OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.

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51. Outback steakhouse. I'm Australian, mate!

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52. Oh, man, am I a woman?

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53. I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.

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54. What you doing?

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55. Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.

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56. What's your win rate?

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57. You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.

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58. Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.

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59. Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.

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60. Take six.

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61. Action.

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62. And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.

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63. Cut.

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64. Oh, man, am I a woman?

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65. God!

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66. It's not fair.

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67. Thank you. Thank you very much.

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68. Good. So, am I a hunter gather culture?

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69. Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?

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70. No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?

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71. Am I nomadic?

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72. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?

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73. No. But I am, I am human, right?

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74. I could be French.

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75. Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!

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76. Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.

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77. OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

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78. OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.

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79. Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his.

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80. OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.

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81. Thank you.

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82. What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.

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83. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

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84. Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.

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85. Same thing.

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86. Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.

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87. Oh gee, then why do I have an office?

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88. Yes. And my decision in final.

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89. Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.

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90. Sure.

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91. Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.

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92. I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

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93. So I can lower it.

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94. It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.

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95. Yeah, you said...

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96. I can handle that.

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97. OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.

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98. OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.

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99. Damnit! Damnit Jim!

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100. All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.

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