Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 71)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 71 of 76

1. Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.

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2. Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.

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3. I sure do.

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4. I will pay you whatever it takes.

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5. No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.

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6. Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number?

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7. Okay. Good, good, good.

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8. This isn't gonna work out.

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9. Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them?

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10. No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them.

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11. I do that myself now.

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12. No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes.

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13. Or none of you

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14. I wish I could hire all of you.

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15. Psst. Jim Jim? Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around.

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16. Just act natural.

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17. And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife.

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18. Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call.

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19. I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray.

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20. Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.

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21. Yes. Thank you. Amazed.

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22. What? This is such bullcrap!

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23. Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?

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24. Okay.

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25. Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.

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26. Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor.

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27. Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?

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28. Okay.

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29. They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.

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30. Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.

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31. [scoffs]

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32. Who, me?

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33. Absolutely, I do.

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34. Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great.

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35. Aah!

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36. Welcome to the club, pig!

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37. Aah!

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38. You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting.

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39. You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super secret, classified conference room meeting?

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40. Let's go everyone. Super secret, classified conference room meeting, now!

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41. Pam, I'll help you.

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42. If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.

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43. You need my pitchfork?

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44. What is it? I have vengeance to exact.

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45. Ah, I'm not interested.

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46. If I get the deicing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics.

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47. I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own.

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48. Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.

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49. Yes. Or nipplous breasts. Perhaps.

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50. Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts...

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51. We just need a pretense to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. Nate. Your mother is dying.

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52. It's all right. It's all right.

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53. No. She needs her rest again.

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54. You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum.

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55. There's no gum. There never was any gum.

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56. Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out? Huh? Who won the hugging contest? Oh, let me guess. Everyone tied for first.

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57. Wait. Are you saying...

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58. Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side. And I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt.

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59. He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him.

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60. A little eye for an eye action.

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61. Go all Hammurabi on this clown.

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62. I know just the man for the job.

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63. He even looks like a mole.

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64. I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again. Do you hear me?

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65. Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work.

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66. Go move some paper!

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67. Great. Get the plate number.

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68. So we know which truck to van...

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69. Yeah. Frank draws a butt on your mural, I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita.

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70. Let's see yours.

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71. This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops?

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72. I saw that. That's great!

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73. Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.

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74. Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis.

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75. Come in.

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76. Andy, hi. I just made another huge sale for the company that you manage. I need you to authorize that expense report and sign off on that contract.

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77. I would be happy to. It would be my pleasure, Mr. Schrute. Rick-a-dick-doo, rick-a-dick-dick-dick, rick-a-dick-doo.

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78. I really like Andy these days. He's pretend and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

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79. I have yet another sales order for you to sign.

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80. Why thank you Mr. Schrute. I don't know how you do it. You're a god. Rick-a-dick-dick-doo.

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81. You're back. And you're disgusting.

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82. Hey, Burning Man, if it's not selling out too much, you might want to throw on a tie. David Wallace is gonna be here in an hour.

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83. No. Please. Come on, Clark. Wallace knows that he's been gone for the last three months. Right? Wallace does know that you've been gone for the last three months?

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84. Thank you.

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85. Yes!

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86. Yeah!

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87. You were on a boat.

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88. On a boat.

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89. In the ocean.

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90. I'm not gonna say it.

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91. Not a word.

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92. No! What do you think you're doing?

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93. Don't you dare! Andy!

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94. Coolio.

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95. Coolio. Coolio.

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96. Coolio.

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97. No, Jan! Please do not listen to this boob! Remember Clark. He gave you everything. Everything.

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98. Please Ja, Ja...

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99. Two seconds of the turd dog and he loses the biggest sale this branch has ever seen.

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100. God! I just don't know what we'd do. I mean, short of telling David Wallace that he was gone for three months.

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