Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 5)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 5 of 76

1. So the monkey does the sex thing right here!

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2410

2. Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2412

3. Consider it?

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2414

4. Yes!

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2455

5. Yeah, Meredith.

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2527

6. Yes.

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2529

7. Hey, Toby.

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2548

8. You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2550

9. Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

   Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2552

10. Good. Good. And...

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2555

11. Okay.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2557

12. Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. Well, you're an idiot.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Quote 2691

13. Diversifying. Smart.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2727

14. And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2729

15. You should go.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2744

16. Uh huh.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2746

17. You have your lawyer there?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2748

18. Can I be your representative?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2750

19. I think I should be there.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2752

20. I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2754

21. Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2756

22. So you're taking a personal day?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2758

23. Please, I'll make you proud.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2760

24. Yes! As your representative?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2762

25. Same thing.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2764

26. I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2766

27. What kind of shocks you got on this baby?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2784

28. I want to put the top down.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2786

29. But then no one can see us.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2788

30. Check it out. Terminator.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2790

31. Which one's yours?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2818

32. This is smaller than your old place.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2825

33. Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2827

34. Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2829

35. Let's go check out the master bedroom.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2833

36. Oh. Terrible idea.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2838

37. No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2840

38. Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2842

39. Shh Shh.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2844

40. Listen. Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2846

41. What kind of mortgage did you get?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2854

42. Ho, thirty years.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2859

43. Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2861

44. Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2863

45. Well, this is it.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2865

46. Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2869

47. We'll be here waiting for you.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2871

48. A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2873

49. Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2900

50. You didn't have to...

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2913

51. I don't even know what to say.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2916

52. Question. Where can I put my terrarium?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2918

53. It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2920

54. Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2922

55. Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2934

56. Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2936

57. Just for fun?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2938

58. Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2940

59. Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2942

60. You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2954

61. People love beets.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2956

62. Everybody loves beets.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2958

63. Let's get this roof going.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2960

64. Ow.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2962

65. What is going on?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2967

66. That's my stopwatch.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2969

67. Silver medal.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 2995

68. What did you do to it?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3011

69. I'm serious. What did you do to it?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3013

70. Nice try. Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3015

71. What are the specs?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3025

72. Nice.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3027

73. Yes.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3029

74. God, what a steal.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3031

75. Does it have a deck?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3033

76. Have you seen it?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3035

77. Does it have a deck?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3037

78. It's time.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3051

79. That's it.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3053

80. Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3056

81. Same thing.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3058

82. Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3060

83. Two charges of loitering,

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3062

84. one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3064

85. Do you own a gun?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3066

86. I'd think about it.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3068

87. Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3077

88. Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3079

89. Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3094

90. Seal it off.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3101

91. Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3103

92. Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3105

93. Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3107

94. Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3109

95. Just a possibility.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3111

96. If you fall in love with her.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3113

97. I smell mold.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3115

98. Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3117

99. What the hell?

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Quote 3121

100. Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.

     Season 2 · Episode 4 · Quote 3131