Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 5)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 5 of 76

1. So the monkey does the sex thing right here!

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2. Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?

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3. Consider it?

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4. Yes!

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5. Yeah, Meredith.

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6. Yes.

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7. Hey, Toby.

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8. You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.

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9. Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

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10. Good. Good. And...

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11. Okay.

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12. Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. Well, you're an idiot.

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13. Diversifying. Smart.

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14. And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.

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15. You should go.

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16. Uh huh.

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17. You have your lawyer there?

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18. Can I be your representative?

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19. I think I should be there.

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20. I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.

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21. Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.

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22. So you're taking a personal day?

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23. Please, I'll make you proud.

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24. Yes! As your representative?

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25. Same thing.

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26. I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

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27. What kind of shocks you got on this baby?

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28. I want to put the top down.

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29. But then no one can see us.

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30. Check it out. Terminator.

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31. Which one's yours?

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32. This is smaller than your old place.

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33. Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

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34. Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.

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35. Let's go check out the master bedroom.

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36. Oh. Terrible idea.

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37. No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.

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38. Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.

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39. Shh Shh.

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40. Listen. Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.

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41. What kind of mortgage did you get?

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42. Ho, thirty years.

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43. Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.

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44. Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.

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45. Well, this is it.

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46. Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.

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47. We'll be here waiting for you.

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48. A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

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49. Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

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50. You didn't have to...

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51. I don't even know what to say.

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52. Question. Where can I put my terrarium?

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53. It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.

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54. Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.

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55. Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?

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56. Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?

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57. Just for fun?

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58. Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?

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59. Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.

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60. You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.

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61. People love beets.

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62. Everybody loves beets.

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63. Let's get this roof going.

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64. Ow.

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65. What is going on?

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66. That's my stopwatch.

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67. Silver medal.

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68. What did you do to it?

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69. I'm serious. What did you do to it?

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70. Nice try. Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card.

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71. What are the specs?

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72. Nice.

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73. Yes.

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74. God, what a steal.

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75. Does it have a deck?

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76. Have you seen it?

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77. Does it have a deck?

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78. It's time.

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79. That's it.

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80. Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department.

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81. Same thing.

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82. Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years.

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83. Two charges of loitering,

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84. one noise complaint, several speeding tickets.

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85. Do you own a gun?

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86. I'd think about it.

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87. Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate.

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88. Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?

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89. Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground.

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90. Seal it off.

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91. Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation.

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92. Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time.

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93. Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend.

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94. Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?

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95. Just a possibility.

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96. If you fall in love with her.

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97. I smell mold.

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98. Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives.

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99. What the hell?

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100. Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.

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