Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 7

If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3646

Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3648

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3649

So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis...

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3653

This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3660

I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3662

And I turned it down.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3664

Out of loyalty to this company...

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3666

... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3668

But then you wouldn't have me here.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3670

It's in Maryland.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3672

I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3674

You're supposed to be a cat?

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3855

Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3859

I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.

Season 2 · Episode 5 · Quote 3861

Where is my desk?

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3862

This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3864

I didn't lose my desk.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3866

Okay, who moved my desk?

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3868

Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3870

Dwight Schrute.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3872

Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3874

It's by the ream?

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3876

...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3878

Wash your hands, Kevin.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3880

Sensei, hello it's Sempai...

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3882

Dwight...

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3884

Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3886

No, that was my Sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3888

I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3890

Assistant Sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3892

I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3894

Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3936

Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3938

Ok, give that back to me.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3940

No. That is not a toy.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3942

Please?

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3944

Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3946

No women or children, unless provoked.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3949

Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3951

Because we're friends.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3954

Argggg!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3969

What belt are they?

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3977

No!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3979

Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3981

Ok, I'll punch you.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3983

Kiyah!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3985

Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3987

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3990

Take this pen and stab me with it.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 3998

Good.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4013

Now watch, let me take you from behind.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4015

I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4018

In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4020

Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4022

No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4024

Yeah.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4026

No, it's free during the day. It's fine.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4030

I've got the key.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4032

Yes, Sensei!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4054

Hiii!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4057

Yes!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4061

Eat it!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4064

Two more.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4066

No.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4070

It was my pants.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4072

No holding.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4078

No, stop it! Come on! Michael.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4080

No, Michael!

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4082

I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4088

Just put 'The Hospital.' Contact number: just put 9-1-1.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4090

I'm busy.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4105

Of course.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4115

Michael, I don't know...

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4117

I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4119

I'll have Pam send out a memo.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4121

Just a formality.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4123

Michael, I have so much to learn from you.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4125

Thank you, Sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4127

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4131

Okay, I just...

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4133

It's a sales call.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4135

I can... Yes, sensei.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4137

Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4138

No problem.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4140

Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4142

No women or children. Unless provoked.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4144

Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4146

You just said it. You just said it.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4151

Die. You just... You said it.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4153

Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4172

For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive.

Season 2 · Episode 6 · Quote 4185

Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4227

Ok, you guys should not be doing this.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4316

You took something that doesn't belong to you.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4318

Brought it in here-

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4320

Made copies of it-

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4322

Not now!

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4338

Ok, what are they?

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4340

Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4342

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 7)