Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 7)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 7 of 76

1. If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.

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2. Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?

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3. Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

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4. So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis...

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5. This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?

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6. I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.

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7. And I turned it down.

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8. Out of loyalty to this company...

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9. ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.

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10. But then you wouldn't have me here.

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11. It's in Maryland.

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12. I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.

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13. You're supposed to be a cat?

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14. Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow.

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15. I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do.

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16. Where is my desk?

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17. This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.

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18. I didn't lose my desk.

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19. Okay, who moved my desk?

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20. Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!

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21. Dwight Schrute.

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22. Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.

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23. It's by the ream?

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24. ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.

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25. Wash your hands, Kevin.

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26. Sensei, hello it's Sempai...

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27. Dwight...

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28. Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.

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29. No, that was my Sensei.

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30. I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.

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31. Assistant Sensei.

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32. I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.

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33. Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.

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34. Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.

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35. Ok, give that back to me.

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36. No. That is not a toy.

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37. Please?

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38. Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

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39. No women or children, unless provoked.

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40. Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

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41. Because we're friends.

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42. Argggg!

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43. What belt are they?

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44. No!

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45. Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.

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46. Ok, I'll punch you.

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47. Kiyah!

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48. Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

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49. I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

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50. Take this pen and stab me with it.

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51. Good.

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52. Now watch, let me take you from behind.

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53. I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.

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54. In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.

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55. Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!

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56. No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.

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57. Yeah.

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58. No, it's free during the day. It's fine.

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59. I've got the key.

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60. Yes, Sensei!

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61. Hiii!

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62. Yes!

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63. Eat it!

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64. Two more.

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65. No.

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66. It was my pants.

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67. No holding.

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68. No, stop it! Come on! Michael.

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69. No, Michael!

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70. I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.

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71. Just put 'The Hospital.' Contact number: just put 9-1-1.

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72. I'm busy.

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73. Of course.

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74. Michael, I don't know...

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75. I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.

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76. I'll have Pam send out a memo.

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77. Just a formality.

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78. Michael, I have so much to learn from you.

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79. Thank you, Sensei.

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80. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second.

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81. Okay, I just...

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82. It's a sales call.

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83. I can... Yes, sensei.

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84. Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people.

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85. No problem.

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86. Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight.

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87. No women or children. Unless provoked.

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88. Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

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89. You just said it. You just said it.

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90. Die. You just... You said it.

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91. Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does.

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92. For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive.

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93. Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.

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94. Ok, you guys should not be doing this.

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95. You took something that doesn't belong to you.

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96. Brought it in here-

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97. Made copies of it-

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98. Not now!

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99. Ok, what are they?

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100. Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!

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