Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 2)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 2 of 76

1. Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 707

2. Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 709

3. You did this, didn't you?

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 710

4. Yes you did.

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 712

5. I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 714

6. The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. 'Count Choculitis'

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 717

7. Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 719

8. I think you need to confess...

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 721

9. ...the fact...

   Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 723

10. What are you doing? Those are my keys.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 725

11. Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 727

12. Let me out.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 730

13. Let me out or you're fired.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 732

14. Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 734

15. Jim! Open the door!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 738

16. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 741

17. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 746

18. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 748

19. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 752

20. Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 756

21. Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 758

22. Dwight Schrute.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 760

23. Well...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 762

24. He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 764

25. That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 766

26. Yeah.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 768

27. Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 770

28. Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 772

29. Michael. Michael?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 780

30. I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 782

31. I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 783

32. You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 785

33. I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 787

34. OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 789

35. Yeah, but no one here has it.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 791

36. I most certainly did not.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 802

37. Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 811

38. I did not dismiss you.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 812

39. You came into my office voluntarily.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 814

40. Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 816

41. You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 818

42. Psssh, no.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 833

43. Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 835

44. Unlikely.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 837

45. 100%.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 839

46. I don't think so, no.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 841

47. Wrong. Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 843

48. That was... unauthorized.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 845

49. Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 861

50. Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 863

51. But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 865

52. You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 867

53. You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 869

54. You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 872

55. Let it out.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 874

56. Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 876

57. I know you did.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 878

58. Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 880

59. You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 882

60. I, Jim Halpert...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 884

61. ...confess to health care fraud.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 886

62. One word.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 888

63. Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Quote 890

64. Michael!?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 892

65. I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 894

66. I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 896

67. Yeah, so I don't have to worry?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 898

68. Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 901

69. It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 904

70. I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 906

71. Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 936

72. Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 937

73. Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 939

74. Did you get your tickets?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 941

75. The gun show.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 943

76. There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 945

77. Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 951

78. Did you tell Pam about the alliance?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 952

79. Just now.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 954

80. Right, that's good, good, pursue this.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 956

81. Mmm hmm.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 958

82. Done.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 960

83. They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 963

84. Only one way to find out.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 965

85. What? I believe it.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 968

86. I could tell, from the body language.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 970

87. Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 976

88. Oh, they're forming an alliance

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 978

89. Damn it. God!

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 983

90. God... Damn it! Why us?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 985

91. Jackpot.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1006

92. Hey, you wanted to see me?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1009

93. I don't think she'd be missed.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1011

94. Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1013

95. She had a hysterectomy.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1015

96. That's where they remove the uterus.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1017

97. It could be kind of funny.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1019

98. Oh my God, we have to be there.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1022

99. No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1024

100. I know. I know exactly what to do.

     Season 1 · Episode 4 · Quote 1026