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Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 2)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 2 of 76

  1. Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 707

  2. Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 709

  3. You did this, didn't you?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 710

  4. Yes you did.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 712

  5. I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 714

  6. The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. 'Count Choculitis'

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 717

  7. Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 719

  8. I think you need to confess...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 721

  9. ...the fact...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 723

  10. What are you doing? Those are my keys.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 725

  11. Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 727

  12. Let me out.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 730

  13. Let me out or you're fired.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 732

  14. Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 734

  15. Jim! Open the door!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 738

  16. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 741

  17. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 746

  18. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 748

  19. Jim!

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 752

  20. Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 756

  21. Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 758

  22. Dwight Schrute.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 760

  23. Well...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 762

  24. He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 764

  25. That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 766

  26. Yeah.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 768

  27. Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 770

  28. Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 772

  29. Michael. Michael?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 780

  30. I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 782

  31. I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 783

  32. You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 785

  33. I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 787

  34. OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 789

  35. Yeah, but no one here has it.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 791

  36. I most certainly did not.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 802

  37. Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 811

  38. I did not dismiss you.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 812

  39. You came into my office voluntarily.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 814

  40. Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 816

  41. You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 818

  42. Psssh, no.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 833

  43. Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 835

  44. Unlikely.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 837

  45. 100%.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 839

  46. I don't think so, no.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 841

  47. Wrong. Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 843

  48. That was... unauthorized.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 845

  49. Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 861

  50. Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 863

  51. But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 865

  52. You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 867

  53. You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 869

  54. You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 872

  55. Let it out.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 874

  56. Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 876

  57. I know you did.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 878

  58. Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 880

  59. You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 882

  60. I, Jim Halpert...

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 884

  61. ...confess to health care fraud.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 886

  62. One word.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 888

  63. Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

    Season 1 · Episode 3 · Line 890

  64. Michael!?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 892

  65. I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 894

  66. I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 896

  67. Yeah, so I don't have to worry?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 898

  68. Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 901

  69. It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 904

  70. I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 906

  71. Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 936

  72. Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 937

  73. Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 939

  74. Did you get your tickets?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 941

  75. The gun show.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 943

  76. There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 945

  77. Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 951

  78. Did you tell Pam about the alliance?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 952

  79. Just now.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 954

  80. Right, that's good, good, pursue this.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 956

  81. Mmm hmm.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 958

  82. Done.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 960

  83. They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 963

  84. Only one way to find out.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 965

  85. What? I believe it.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 968

  86. I could tell, from the body language.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 970

  87. Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 976

  88. Oh, they're forming an alliance

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 978

  89. Damn it. God!

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 983

  90. God... Damn it! Why us?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 985

  91. Jackpot.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1006

  92. Hey, you wanted to see me?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1009

  93. I don't think she'd be missed.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1011

  94. Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1013

  95. She had a hysterectomy.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1015

  96. That's where they remove the uterus.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1017

  97. It could be kind of funny.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1019

  98. Oh my God, we have to be there.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1022

  99. No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1024

  100. I know. I know exactly what to do.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1026