Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 4)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 4 of 76

1. What?

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1762

2. Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1764

3. Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1766

4. You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?

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5. Do you love her?

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1770

6. Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1812

7. It will just take a second.

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8. Just for a minute.

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1816

9. Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.

   Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1818

10. Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1820

11. The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1910

12. This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. You sell a lot of these?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1911

13. I knew it. Is it waterproof?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1913

14. Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1915

15. Cause I could look it up real easily.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1917

16. My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1919

17. I was just showing her my belt.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1922

18. I....

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1924

19. Not all the time.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1926

20. I think it did.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1965

21. Seriously?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1967

22. What else?

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1969

23. It's a mini-briefcase.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1971

24. It's in my purse.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1977

25. Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1979

26. Hi, here you can have this. It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.

    Season 1 · Episode 6 · Line 1995

27. Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2007

28. So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2029

29. So who are we laughing at?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2031

30. Who? Dave Barry?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2033

31. What is it? Who wrote it?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2035

32. That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2038

33. No, no, no, no...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2065

34. ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2067

35. No, why were you in there?!

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2069

36. What were you doing in there?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2071

37. I am not.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2073

38. Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2086

39. We are going to have two men's rooms.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2088

40. Be prepared to hold folks From 9 am to...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2090

41. Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2095

42. ...for people's behavior.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2097

43. And it's-

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2099

44. Yes!

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2102

45. Best Dundies ever.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2104

46. Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2105

47. Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. Devon!

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2106

48. The waitress tripped on the cord.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2110

49. Really? We don't have any girls from HR.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2120

50. Yeah?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2122

51. Yeah!

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2124

52. Like an AIDS test?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2126

53. Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2223

54. Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2225

55. It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2227

56. Ahh! I can't-

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2230

57. Watch your step.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2239

58. Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2241

59. Like a gaggle of geese...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2257

60. Michael, I need to talk to you.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2266

61. I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2268

62. Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2271

63. Michael.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2273

64. Michael.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2275

65. By any means necessary?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2279

66. It's the ladies' room.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2281

67. It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2288

68. Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2289

69. I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2291

70. Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2293

71. No, no, no.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2303

72. It's not what you think.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2305

73. I'm on official business.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2307

74. This is Dunder Mifflin...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2309

75. No. Phyllis, you're not...

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2311

76. Phyllis, no. No.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2313

77. Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2315

78. That is not true.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2318

79. That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2320

80. What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, 'Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.' I'm not even attracted to you.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2323

81. All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2330

82. Yeah, you know me.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2333

83. The Dundies!

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2335

84. You know me.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2337

85. Yeah, you know me.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2339

86. Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2356

87. No, no. No margarita. Hot sake.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2358

88. Fosters in the big can.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2360

89. Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2362

90. Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2363

91. Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2367

92. I'm sorry.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2369

93. Jim, don't interfere.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2371

94. Can you give me a second, sir.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2374

95. I am a Sheriff's Deputy.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2378

96. I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested.

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2380

97. Pam, are you all right?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2382

98. How many fingers am I holding up?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2385

99. All right. Are you okay?

    Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2387

100. I will. I will. You need to calm down.

     Season 2 · Episode 1 · Line 2389