Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 8

Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of 'Oklahoma' in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4343

If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4344

Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4346

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4350

Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4355

Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. Wait, who's Dwigt?

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4357

D-W-I-G-H-T.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4359

Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4360

Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4362

Michael? Michael? Michael? His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. Who's this? Jan?

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4412

Did you do her?

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4416

Jan Levinson-Gould.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4418

Did you do her?

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4420

And she is your boss.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4422

A kick and a chop are two totally different things.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4483

It doesn't make any sense.

Season 2 · Episode 7 · Quote 4485

You should get one of these.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4497

Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4499

This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. Sorry.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4501

Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4503

Plus, improves your reflexes see, I would have caught that.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4505

It's only twenty-five bucks.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4507

Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4529

Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4531

Oh, yes, we do.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4533

Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4535

Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4537

Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4539

Uh, duh.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4541

Saturday.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4598

Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4639

No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4641

What should we do to prepare for Y2K?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4652

It happens occasionally.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4655

Tom?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4659

Next suggestion.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4663

You need to do something about your B.O.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4665

You need-

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4671

To do something about-

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4673

Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4681

Next suggestion.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4683

Don't sleep with your boss'? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4685

You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! Yes! Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4696

Michael?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4700

I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4702

Great.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4704

I am ready for my performance review.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4706

Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4710

That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4712

I have a copy of your key.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4714

I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4718

For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4720

You liked it!

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4722

Jan, have you ever had deer?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4724

It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4726

And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said 'Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of'.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4732

Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4734

I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4769

You know what this is?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4778

No, you don't.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4780

This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. 'Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight.'

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4782

That's a total waste of your 'M.'

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4784

Yeah.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4786

Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4788

Pushing on.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4819

Does it specify which windshield?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4825

This ought to be good.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4827

Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4829

What does it say?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4831

Come on. Let's get back to this.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4834

Next suggestion.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4840

Don't sleep with your boss.' Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4842

There's one more suggestion.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4847

Way to go man, Jan's really hot.'

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4849

Hey, temp.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4858

Look, we're twins.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4860

Bet you I got mine for less than yours.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4862

Getting a little something that calm the nerves?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4864

For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4866

You're lying.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4868

Why would Michael give you one before me?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4870

How did it go?

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4872

You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready.

Season 2 · Episode 8 · Quote 4874

Mi-

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4910

Sorry.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4912

Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4914

You have to tell me.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4916

Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4918

Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4920

Or get hit by a car-

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4922

Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4924

So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4938

Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4943

Good.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4945

Nice.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4957

Does he have access to their medical records?

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4959

I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4961

Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4983

I was wondering-

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4985

Why?

Season 2 · Episode 9 · Quote 4987

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 8)