Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 96)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 96 of 122

1. Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I-- God-- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.

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2. No it's not.

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3. Wow. That just-- you've really grown.

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4. Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who-- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never-- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.

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5. And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.

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6. It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer-- -- tility.

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7. Well, hobbies--

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8. Pamela Beesly Halpert--

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9. May I have a word with you in my office please?

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10. Well, this is a work related matter.

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11. Yes.

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12. Yes. Join me please, won't you? I am going to give you a raise.

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13. Because of all the good work you've done.

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14. That's-- no, no-- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.

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15. Do you want the raise or what?

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16. Hey, Pam, Pam-- with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

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17. No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't-- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--

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18. What?

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19. Oh-- okay , what? I don't-- Are you kidding?

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20. Ye-- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--

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21. Okay.

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22. Okay.

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23. Okay.

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24. See you.

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25. Hey.

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26. Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--

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27. What punch?

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28. I'm pretty sure we said slap.

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29. I-- mmm-- I'm good.

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30. Hey.

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31. Do you and Pam ever get frisky?

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32. I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?

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33. Really?

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34. She strong?

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35. Can you stop this?

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36. Okay.

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37. I don't either.

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38. Mmm-hmm. I know.

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39. You gotta do something--

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40. How much time do you think you'll need?

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41. Come on, man!

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42. Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. Let's do this.

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43. It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home.

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44. You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?

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45. Yes.

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46. I know. Okay. Alright. Oh-- God!

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47. Okay! Pam, Pam-- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

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48. So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose.

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49. Maybe that--

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50. Yes.

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51. Okay. I promise. For the record your mom came on to me.

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52. No!

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53. I don't know.

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54. As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me.

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55. Ahh...

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56. Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight.

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57. No.

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58. What are you talking about--

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59. Forget that.

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60. No.

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61. Oh that feels better.

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62. But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy.

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63. You did?

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64. That sounds like it was hilarious.

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65. Yes?

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66. You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day.

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67. Woo hoo, shout out!

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68. Erin, do we have the journal?

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69. Did you?

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70. Oh, the Wall.

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71. It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say?

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72. No, no, that doesn't make any sense.

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73. Oh, that sounds awful.

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74. Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory.

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75. Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious!

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76. OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free.

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77. No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be.

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78. Crazy world. Lotta smells.

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79. OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins.

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80. Monkey see, monkey do.

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81. Monkey pee all over you.

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82. We have a monthly staff meeting

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83. What? Oh my God! There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah.

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84. Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across.

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85. It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it...

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86. This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder.

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87. Tube City, you owe me one.

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88. There will be food. You leave, you do not get food.

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89. Sandwich platters.

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90. Baby carrots.

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91. OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse.

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92. OK, use your imaginations.

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93. It's not scary.

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94. Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful.

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95. Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?

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96. Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.

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97. That is the way Southern people talk.

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98. Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?

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99. No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.

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100. Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!

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