Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 98)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 98 of 122

1. Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.

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2. I have it on good authority that you said the following. Can you read that back to me?

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3. Mmm-hmm.

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4. Okay.

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5. You are also on record as saying 'wittle-ittle,' 'footy-wutties,' 'nummies,' 'jammies,' 'make boom-boom,' 'widiculous,' and 'wode iwand.'

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6. You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies.

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7. Okay, who said that?

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8. Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops.

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9. You're welcome, baby.

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10. Keep.

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11. I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.

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12. Keep.

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13. For what?

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14. Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there...

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15. Must be hackers.

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16. What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend?

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17. Worse than that.

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18. Lurk much? I miss Pam.

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19. Is that what we're going for now? 'okay?' We used to go for 'pretty good.'

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20. Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but...

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21. Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.

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22. It would look good, on my mantle.

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23. There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox.

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24. To change lives.

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25. Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this.

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26. Well...

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27. No.

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28. I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.

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29. Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right?

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30. I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right.

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31. Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of...

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32. Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse?

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33. Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you?

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34. Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone?

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35. Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind.

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36. Well, you didn't even hear it.

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37. Oh, good.

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38. Sure.

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39. Oh, yeah.

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40. No, not at all. Nope, come on.

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41. Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just...

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42. Oh.

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43. Wow!

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44. Oh, God. Oh, God.

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45. All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between 'A' gym and 'B' gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. Should we go?

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46. Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name?

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47. Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry.

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48. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

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49. I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.

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50. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you.

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51. Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium.

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52. Erin, can you give us a second?

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53. Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.

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54. What can I do?

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55. I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay?

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56. Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right?

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57. Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year.

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58. For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around.

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59. That's a lot of zeroes.

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60. Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.

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61. Yes.

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62. You're what, like, 12?

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63. I think you're doing a great job.

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64. What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business?

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65. Really?

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66. You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.

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67. Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too.

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68. Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see.

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69. What the hell is going on?

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70. Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?

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71. Phyllis?

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72. Take it back. That is absurd.

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73. No? No! Jim! Come on!

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74. It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!

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75. Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.

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76. If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably 'freedom.' At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

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77. Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!

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78. No it's not, not like penis-wise. Hello little boy, what's your name?

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79. Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well.

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80. Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. Oh my God.

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81. What would you like for Christmas little boy?

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82. What did you think was going to happen?

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83. All right, just say 'some toys' please.

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84. Damn it Kevin, come on.

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85. Okay get off, get off! Oh! Oh, God!

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86. Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.

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87. Ryan come here!

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88. Come on, come on.

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89. Ahhh... Ho ho ho! Come on I need this. Come over here!

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90. Just sit down!

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91. Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun!

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92. Whoop! Okay, what?

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93. Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless!

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94. Do you understand, you forced my hand?

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95. Oh, do we? Do 'We?' Is that what 'we' want? Why don't 'we' take a vote on it?

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96. Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are--

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97. No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we --Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me?

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98. I'll get some punch. That looks delicious.

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99. I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. 'Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself.' That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me.

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100. Behold! Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget.

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