Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 99)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 99 of 122

1. Oh the Anti-Christ!

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2. Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying?

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3. Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!

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4. Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit?

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5. Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! Deck the halls with crappy gifts...

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6. Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get?

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7. Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley.

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8. I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up.

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9. That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.

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10. No!

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11. Andy had Erin.

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12. What? Was I not supposed to say it? What? Turn it back on.

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13. David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as.

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14. I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.

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15. I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.

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16. What?

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17. Really? What's going on?

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18. What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?

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19. Hey! Get off! Get off the phone!

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20. What does that mean?

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21. Well, can't Alan protect you?

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22. All of us?

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23. Oh my God.

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24. Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.

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25. Hey. How's everybody doing?

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26. That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus.

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27. You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room.

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28. I don't want to say. But, 'it's fun to stay at the -'

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29. It's fun to stay at the -'

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30. Mmm, mm mm mm.

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31. You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, 'How could they do this to us?'

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32. It's not... Nevermind. Nothing.

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33. I didn't say anything!

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34. We're going out of business!

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35. David told me on the phone. David told me.

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36. Earlier today.

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37. He said, we have been sold.

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38. Dwight! Jesus!

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39. David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone.

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40. It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith.

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41. I'll call him. I'll call David.

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42. Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him.

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43. He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom.

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44. It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott.

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45. Stephanie could you hop off please?

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46. David!

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47. David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse.

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48. David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned.

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49. Well I think we're past that now.

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50. We're not fired?

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51. Yeah! It's a Christmas miracle!

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52. Woo hoo!

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53. Oh! You got it? What is that?

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54. Huh. Well, maybe those will help.

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55. Hi Santa.

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56. I'd like to make a wish.

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57. I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry.

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58. You called Bob?

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59. Come on! Phyllis!

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60. Okay.

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61. Oh God. Get a room Santas!

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62. Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays.

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63. Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.

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64. I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?

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65. What is the world's largest ocean?

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66. Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?

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67. That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.

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68. Hello, Stanley.

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69. Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -

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70. - since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?

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71. They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.

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72. No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.

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73. Oh, my God.

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74. Alright. Excuse me. If you will -

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75. - follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two.

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76. I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.

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77. Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?

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78. Stuff. I love stuff.

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79. HR stuff? HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. What is that? What kind of stuff is that?

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80. Ah.

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81. Talkin' bout, uh, what?

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82. Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?

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83. Oh, time and resources.

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84. No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever.

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85. This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. Right? Would you agree with that?

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86. That's, that is true.

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87. I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin?

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88. I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.

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89. Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?

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90. Just - sh -

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91. Shut -

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92. Shut up. Shut up.

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93. Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon. Called my man, Dwight, just to see what was shakin'.

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94. So check out how we live

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95. They call it Scranton!

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96. The Electric City. Scranton!

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97. The Electric City. Lazy Scranton, the Electric City. They call it that 'cause of the electricity. The city's laid out from East to West and our public parks are libraries are truly the best. Call poison control if you're bitten by a spider.

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98. Plenty of space in the parking lot.

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99. Snack attack time.

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100. We like Cugino's

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