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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 78)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 78 of 122

  1. Ok.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26953

  2. Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? Let's give this a shot.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26955

  3. Hellloo...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26956

  4. So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26958

  5. I don't get it. Do I stress you out?

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26966

  6. Oh...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26968

  7. Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26970

  8. Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26971

  9. What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26973

  10. Si senor.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26975

  11. It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26977

  12. I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26980

  13. Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Ok... lower the mic for the midget.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26984

  14. Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26989

  15. You're so lucky! Good one...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26991

  16. Well...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26993

  17. Pow pow pow...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26995

  18. NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26997

  19. I know where this is goin'.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 26999

  20. No...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27001

  21. No.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27003

  22. Spite her - ok

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27005

  23. Oh, stop it Dwight.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27008

  24. No no no no no no!

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27010

  25. Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27012

  26. That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27014

  27. Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27016

  28. Idiot.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27018

  29. Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27021

  30. Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27023

  31. We are, we are a family.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27025

  32. Oh very funny.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27027

  33. Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27029

  34. I don't believe I have had the pleasure.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27031

  35. Jefferson.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27034

  36. Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27037

  37. Caw... caw... caw caw... caw...

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27052

  38. You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. I'm okay. No, I'm not.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27053

  39. I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27071

  40. Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... Oscar, you're gay.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27073

  41. Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27075

  42. They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.

    Season 5 · Episode 13 · Line 27076

  43. [breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27077

  44. This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27079

  45. Could I stick it with a pin?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27081

  46. Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27083

  47. You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27085

  48. What?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27087

  49. You find it?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27089

  50. All right.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27091

  51. Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27093

  52. Hello, good morning.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27094

  53. You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27096

  54. Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27097

  55. No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27099

  56. Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27101

  57. Well that goes without saying.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27103

  58. Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27105

  59. ...kind of Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27107

  60. No. Oh, all right.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27109

  61. No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27129

  62. Then listen to your iPod, Pam.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27131

  63. Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27133

  64. You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27135

  65. Is that why your wearing makeup today?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27137

  66. Hello, Rolando, how are you?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27161

  67. Rolando, I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27163

  68. Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27165

  69. That's what I do, steal my trick.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27167

  70. Oh my God. Is that Jim's?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27170

  71. Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27174

  72. Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27176

  73. NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27196

  74. I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27198

  75. Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27200

  76. I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27201

  77. I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. 'M' your name is Mark.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27202

  78. Got it. It works.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27204

  79. But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27206

  80. Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27208

  81. Oh, I still have more.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27210

  82. She is pregnant. She is knocked up. 'K' Karen. Pam, let's go.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27212

  83. I grab this, and I turn it on and I say, 'Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre.'

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27224

  84. No, don't worry, the chain is off.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27226

  85. Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27229

  86. It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27234

  87. Oh, great.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27236

  88. No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27243

  89. Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27249

  90. I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27264

  91. Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27266

  92. Why?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27268

  93. No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27300

  94. Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27302

  95. She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27304

  96. I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27306

  97. Okay.

    Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27308

  98. I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success.

    Season 5 · Episode 15 · Line 27314

  99. I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy.

    Season 5 · Episode 15 · Line 27315

  100. And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.'

    Season 5 · Episode 15 · Line 27316