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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 53)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 53 of 122

  1. Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17889

  2. Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17893

  3. No, this is my quest.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17895

  4. Fine. Then God speed. To both of us.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17897

  5. We don't need luck.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17899

  6. But thank you, that was really nice of you to say.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17901

  7. Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17903

  8. It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17907

  9. I know. So who's next?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17909

  10. Who?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17913

  11. Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17932

  12. Yes we do.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17934

  13. Well...

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17937

  14. Mmhmm.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17939

  15. OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17942

  16. Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17945

  17. Alright.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17947

  18. That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17949

  19. That is true.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17951

  20. Yes, she is nuts.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17953

  21. How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17956

  22. And the last guy says 'No, hairy body'.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17966

  23. Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17968

  24. She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17970

  25. OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17972

  26. Ah... .is that all you have to say?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17974

  27. Look, we want you back.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17977

  28. Well, no.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17979

  29. No it's not.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17982

  30. Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17985

  31. Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17987

  32. Great, the magic of the gift basket.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17989

  33. OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17991

  34. I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17994

  35. That is a very good point, Dwight.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17996

  36. No, it said right, it said take a right.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 17999

  37. Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18001

  38. The machine knows where it is going!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18003

  39. The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18005

  40. Let go, let go of me!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18008

  41. You sure you're OK?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18010

  42. Good, that is what's most important.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18012

  43. What a disaster, this whole thing.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18014

  44. These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18016

  45. What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. 'I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy'. Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18018

  46. Hang up. You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18020

  47. We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18022

  48. Give it back. The gift basket, give it back.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18047

  49. Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18051

  50. Look, my clothes are so wet!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18053

  51. It's been opened.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18056

  52. What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18058

  53. WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18060

  54. May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18064

  55. Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18066

  56. I drove my car into a lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18068

  57. Exactly!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18070

  58. Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18072

  59. Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18073

  60. Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18083

  61. Oh, Okay. Okay. Just... Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. All right.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18085

  62. You don't want me to help?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18087

  63. Yes?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18089

  64. Um... yes, I'll be right back!

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18093

  65. I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18097

  66. Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18098

  67. I know, I know, no, what... something else.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18100

  68. Uh-huh.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18102

  69. Good.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18104

  70. My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18106

  71. And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, 'Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.' Confucius say, 'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.' Confucius also say, 'Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!'

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18108

  72. No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18110

  73. I'm not. It's solitaire. See?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18112

  74. BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. Apple.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18113

  75. This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18114

  76. Mmhmm.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18116

  77. I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18118

  78. The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young.

    Season 4 · Episode 2 · Line 18136

  79. And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18147

  80. We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18150

  81. Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18152

  82. Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18155

  83. Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a 'Where's Waldo.'

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18157

  84. Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18159

  85. That was awesome. Thank you.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18161

  86. Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18162

  87. Oh, does he?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18178

  88. Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18180

  89. And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18182

  90. Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen...

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18183

  91. The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18184

  92. No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18189

  93. What's that, pipsqueak?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18193

  94. Ohh, lunch party.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18230

  95. Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18232

  96. Okay.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18257

  97. Really?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18260

  98. It's the European cut.

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18263

  99. Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18265

  100. Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?

    Season 4 · Episode 3 · Line 18267