Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 47)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 47 of 122

1. What's happening?

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2. Really? Is she OK?

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3. OK. Phyllis, you say? Hmm.

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4. Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?

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5. I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.

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6. Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? OK. He's back! OK. Hmm. Waagh!

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7. What? Oh.

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8. Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh...

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9. Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.

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10. Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.

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11. Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis.I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.

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12. In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me.

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13. Huh?

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14. I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -

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15. Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.

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16. I... uh, well, I don't know.

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17. I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.

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18. OK.

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19. This is the last

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20. Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid.

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21. Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.

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22. OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.

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23. See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?

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24. No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation.

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25. Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?

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26. That is not current.

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27. You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.

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28. I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter.

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29. Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.

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30. OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.

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31. What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this.

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32. Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything.

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33. No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.

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34. Yes.

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35. Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.

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36. I have to know whether you're serious or not.

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37. Ye - OK, yes.

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38. You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall.

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39. OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. Let's go!

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40. I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it -

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41. Many women

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42. All right. Hope nobody's on a diet.

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43. You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish.

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44. Anything you guys want. This is your time. Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it 'shmear?' Like the cream cheese.

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45. What, um... what do you think of role-play?

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46. Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.

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47. I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

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48. Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.

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49. And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.

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50. No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.

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51. No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing.

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52. No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan?

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53. OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.

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54. Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested.

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55. She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.

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56. I'm unhappy when I'm with her.

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57. I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.

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58. Yeah, that's smart.

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59. That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know.

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60. I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.

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61. Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.

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62. Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. Come on. Get in here.

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63. Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

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64. Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.

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65. Oh. Oh, no. It's Jan. What do I do?

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66. OK, it stopped.

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67. Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will...

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68. Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. There we go! Good. Yes, we have the... all right.

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69. Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?

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70. Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail.

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71. OK, I am really going to do this.

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72. You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it.

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73. I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail.

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74. Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later.

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75. Thank you.

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76. Abso-fruit-ly.

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77. No... No...

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78. Yeah.

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79. Maybe some Italian. '... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -' Chinese? 'who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy.'

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80. Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. 'Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?' You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.

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81. Love it.

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82. Uh, yes, I am.

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83. Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny.

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84. The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it.

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85. We should really start recycling.

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86. Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?

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87. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.

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88. I got shotgun. Damn it.

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89. Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!

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90. Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.

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91. Idiot.

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92. I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.

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93. Ughh... Blech.

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94. Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...

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95. Right there.

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96. Maybe.

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97. Not it. I don't have eggs.

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98. That's possible.

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99. Uh-huh?

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100. The CFO? Ohh...

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