Michael Scott Quotes from The Office | Page 46

You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.

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It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.

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Do you really mean that?

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I'm braver than you?

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I Braveheart. I am.

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Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.

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An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

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OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go.

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Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. saved it.

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Here we go.

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Field Trip.

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Like we're going to the science museum.

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Learn by touching.

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I've been told that I'm a tactile learner.

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Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you...

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I...

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Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.

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We got beat today, Dwight.

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But it was not a fair fight.

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It was the warehouse guys...

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... Dwight, they embarrassed us...

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... because they had a much scarier safety presentation.

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You know what's funny? Robin Williams. When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15294

How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery

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Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel.

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Yeah, Drew.

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You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?

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OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.

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I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed.

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I will miss you the most Ryan.

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Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog The Bounty Hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15340

It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.

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We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.

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Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.

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Crisis Management Squad.

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Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?

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To save time, Jim.

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You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?

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Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.

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We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.

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Midnight, Oscar!

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Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.

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No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.

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I want you to bring a partner.

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No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.

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No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.

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No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.

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Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.

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I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.

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Here

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OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.

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Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.

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And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15474

So, let us consider this matter ended.

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I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.

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Well, we are extremely sorry.

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We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.

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The watermark... it's a one time thing.

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OK...

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What... can I do, for you?

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Well... OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---

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The guys at the papermill--- No no no!

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I'm

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No, I'm a regional manager---

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No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!

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That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.

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Doesn't matter. Out please!

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Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! Did you get all that?

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We gotta do something. This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...

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No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...

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You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. Do you know what this is for?

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OK, I think that's good.

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Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.'

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15538

That's how devoted I am to this job.

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I know.

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I understand that, Dwight.

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Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15546

So I'll know where---

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I'm asking Pam to do it, please.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15550

OK, ready?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15552

Five, four, three. 'There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.'

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15565

That's... they always give an ultimatum.

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Good, cut?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15569

Thought so too.

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The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15601

With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.

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So we're good?

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I'm sorry.

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Okay.

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All right. We are infinitely sorry.

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You understand? You... you get this check.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15652

The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore.

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Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15676

And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos.

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Are we ready?

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Okay. Am I shiny?

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15717

Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net.

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Stop it.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15721

I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.

Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15737

Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 46)