Michael Scott Quotes from The Office | Page 45

No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14845

Fine.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14847

Toby, come on. Let's go.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14852

Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14854

Yeah. Fine.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14861

Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14864

Well...

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14866

Mm, the Big Apple.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14868

Maybe I'll stay.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14872

Well...

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14874

Oh, I...

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14876

Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14882

All right.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14884

Who's the boy toy?

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14892

Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14894

Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14896

Pippity poppity.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14899

Six percent? After all we've been through?

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14901

I got you... jade earrings.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14903

No!

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14905

No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. What are you writing, perv-ball?

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14907

Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14924

Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14926

Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14931

Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14933

Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14935

But you just said 15.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14937

Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14938

Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.

Season 3 · Episode 18 · Line 14955

Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14980

Hmm.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14982

I can, and I have.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14984

Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14988

I thought your name was Pudge?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14990

Okay. Um, her.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14992

Ah, fine.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14994

Yeeesh.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14996

'Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!'

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 14998

Bail'er? I hardly know her.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15004

Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15022

It's a big red trash compactor!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15025

Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15029

...would I go near---

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15031

Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15033

Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15035

Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15037

Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15039

Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. Sorry, he is very lame. Um, let's see. 'Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.'

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15045

Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15048

Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. 'A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---'

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15050

Yes. 'Which can contribute to heart disease.' Heart disease kills more people that balers.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15052

Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15054

No.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15056

Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15066

Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15069

Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... 'Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.' ... This is one example.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15070

Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15093

Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15095

I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15097

Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15099

Indubitably.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15101

They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15102

I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression---

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15104

Nn--- Depression.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15106

Yes.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15108

No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15110

You may be asking yourself, 'What am I doing on a trampoline?' Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, 'Hey! You ever seen a suicide?' And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think 'Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.' But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15111

Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15117

Go buy some watermelons.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15119

Just...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15121

Let's do it! Drop that sucker.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15132

BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15134

Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15136

Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15138

Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15140

Yes, thank you for seeing that.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15154

I don't know if I wanna do this.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15156

No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15158

Rock n' roll!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15160

That's right! I am not thinking.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15162

Yes! Yeah!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15164

Woo!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15166

Woo!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15168

I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15170

My life! Oh, my life...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15183

Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15185

Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15187

Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15189

Wait, where are the warehouse guys?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15191

Okay... that's...

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15193

That's the whole point, dummy.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15195

Okay.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15197

Oooooh, my life!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15204

Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15206

Dwight, you ignorant slut.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15208

And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15210

Damn it.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15217

What is it?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15223

Dwight, find out what the present is.

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15225

Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?

Season 3 · Episode 19 · Line 15230

Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 45)