Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 38)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 38 of 122

1. Who?

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2. Oh. Please. Colin Powell.

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3. Yup.

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4. Apollo Creed.

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5. Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

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6. No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.

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7. That is awesome.

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8. Well, we are running a business, so.

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9. Ah. Well. That's not true.

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10. No you would not.

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11. This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.

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12. Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!

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13. Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?

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14. It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.

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15. Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.

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16. Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?

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17. Ah. A ten inch black and white?

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18. These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

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19. All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say 'Boo' because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!

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20. Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!

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21. Internet.

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22. And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.

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23. I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.

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24. And I nevah got caught, neither.

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25. Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

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26. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.

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27. The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!

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28. No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?

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29. Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go.

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30. No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

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31. They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

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32. Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.

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33. Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!

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34. Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

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35. Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. 'Tis the ... ack. Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint...

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36. I'm looking for the toy drive box.

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37. OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks.

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38. Umm... I don't know? Average kind?

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39. Well, that is probably from the test drive.

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40. No.

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41. Oh, thanks.

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42. Yes? Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that.

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43. OK. Did everybody get one of these?

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44. Terrific. Good.

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45. This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah.

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46. There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde.

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47. Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side.

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48. Turn around, turn around. Come on.

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49. No, you get outta here.

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50. Yes.

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51. Thank you.

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52. Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. Berp.

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53. That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings.

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54. I know.

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55. Right.

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56. Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart...

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57. And next to your kids. What?

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58. I don't understand?

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59. OK

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60. No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in Jamaica's largest fresh water pool.

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61. I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow.. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is.

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62. And it's all inclusive.

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63. Yes.

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64. No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over.

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65. I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.

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66. Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's.

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67. Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

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68. Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.

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69. Fine! Have your party. Just no guests.

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70. Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess.

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71. Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts.

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72. It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.

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73. Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?

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74. Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?

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75. And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?

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76. Take it from Toby.

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77. Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?

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78. It's all... OK.

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79. What are you doing?

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80. Carol?

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81. I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it.

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82. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.

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83. This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.

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84. All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.

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85. Hooters?

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86. Ah, I need my entourage Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters.

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87. Why not?

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88. Ok, feel better.

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89. C'mon Jim, let's go.

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90. Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'.

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91. Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy.

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92. Carol used to drink lattes.

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93. She would get this little foam mustache...

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94. And I used to say 'Hey, got latte?' And she'd say, that's not funny.

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95. She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy ---

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96. I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out...

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97. I'm just gonna call her.

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98. Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.

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99. Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour.

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100. You're right. That's good.

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