Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 35)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 35 of 122

1. And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?

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2. Thank you, Kevin.

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3. Well, I find it beautiful.

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4. No...

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5. No, You're not going to collect them.

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6. No. This is delightful, charming culture.

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7. My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.

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8. What does that look like to you?

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9. No one's even going to notice.

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10. Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.

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11. I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...

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12. Oh, yuck.

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13. No. These s'mores are disgusting.

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14. Do you think they have any s'mores?

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15. All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

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16. Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?

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17. Wow.

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18. Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!

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19. She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!

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20. I'm going to be. Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.

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21. What do you say?

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22. I didn't hear you.

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23. Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.

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24. No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic...

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25. Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.

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26. Yes.

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27. Ok. Okay. Good night. Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.

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28. All right. Good night.

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29. Oh, God! Oh. Wow.

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30. That's so spicy.

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31. Oh. You waiting for a call?

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32. Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.

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33. I was in that marriage arena, though.

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34. Yeah. Uuuuh... well.

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35. We're so alike. So alike.

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36. What are you doing?

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37. I'm... what? I didn't

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38. Can I have a ride home?

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39. These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'.

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40. Sorry.

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41. This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!

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42. How do I explain this to Jan?

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43. Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.

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44. An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. Pam, could you put Jan on, please?

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45. Hello, Jan.

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46. Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.

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47. What is Diwali?

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48. You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween---

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49. ---rolled into one.

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50. I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in...

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51. ... customer service is a Hindu person.

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52. And.

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53. Yeah.

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54. You do?

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55. Oh, I dunno about that.

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56. For Kelly, that seems a bit much.

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57. [hangs up]

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58. Yeah, you should see her naked.

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59. I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, 'Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,' and she's like 'I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.' And I'm like, 'Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.' And she's like, 'What the hell are you talking about?' And I'm like, 'I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof...' ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party.

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60. And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan.

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61. Yeah?

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62. So, any questions?

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63. There she is - Jan Levinson. First...

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64. ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.

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65. Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.

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66. Yes.

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67. I don't understand.

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68. On whom's authority?

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69. What?

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70. You're welcome.

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71. Am I a small number person or a severance package person?

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72. Oh... Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.

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73. Well...

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74. Oh, you gotta be... Josh?

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75. Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?

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76. It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

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77. Pictures. Memories. Look at that. They grow up so fast.

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78. Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.

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79. Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.

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80. Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.

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81. Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...

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82. Nothing, Pam.What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.

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83. What?

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84. Do I have any messages?

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85. Ok, ok...

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86. Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.

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87. You knew about this all along, didn't you?

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88. Traitor. You are a traitor.

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89. I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.

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90. Darryl. Noble Darryl.

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91. I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.

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92. So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...

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93. Awesome.

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94. This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.

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95. All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. Let's go.

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96. Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.

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97. Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.

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98. No... way.

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99. No. There's no one else.

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100. Okay, okay. Um...

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