Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 29)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 29 of 122

1. Stanley.

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2. You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.

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3. Someone complained that the men's room is 'whites only'. Stanley, you know that's not true.

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4. Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.

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5. And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.

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6. Oh... ok.

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7. Okay, well... all settled, then.

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8. OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

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9. All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.

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10. Uh. Dwight.

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11. Okay! Calm down.

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12. Hey, hey!

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13. Stop.

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14. Okay...

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15. Dwight...

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16. Stop...

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17. Oh... kay...

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18. Okay.

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19. Yes.

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20. Mm-hmm.

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21. You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?

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22. Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!

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23. Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

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24. Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - 'Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.' 'Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.'

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25. 'This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.' 'Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.' Gah. 'This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.'

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26. 'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'

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27. By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.'

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28. The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.

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29. Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.

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30. Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.

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31. Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?

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32. Good. Okay.

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33. Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?

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34. Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?

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35. It'll take like two seconds.

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36. Ugh... All right. Everybody, come on. Group photo for the newsletter.

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37. Come on, everybody.

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38. We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.

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39. Good, let's check that out. Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.

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40. What?

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41. You just press the button.

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42. Okay, good. Check that out.

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43. That's terrible.

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44. Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go.

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45. It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.

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46. One, two..Didn't say three, did I?

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47. But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.

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48. And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.

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49. Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.

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50. On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.

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51. I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, 'What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?' Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.

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52. There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, 'I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.' See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.

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53. There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.

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54. Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.

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55. Cage Match'? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.

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56. Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, 'Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.' Makes you feel good.

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57. I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.

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58. Top 80 percent!

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59. Yeah?

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60. Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!

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61. Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.

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62. I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.

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63. Oh, come on. Come on.

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64. You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.

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65. Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.

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66. Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.

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67. Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.

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68. Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.

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69. So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.

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70. Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.

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71. Well, then, they need our money more than ever.

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72. Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...

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73. Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

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74. No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

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75. What?

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76. That's a dog.

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77. That's a shawl.

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78. No. Humans with AIDS.

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79. Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

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80. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. 'I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.' And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

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81. I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?

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82. It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.

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83. Well, actually, it's my warehouse.

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84. Why are you here?

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85. Not. I said, not that.

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86. That's ironic.

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87. That you are afraid.

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88. Dinkin' flicka.

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89. Give me some.

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90. Yes

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91. Who?

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92. Do I know a Carol Stills?

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93. Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it

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94. Hi, Carol. How you doing?

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95. Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.

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96. Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.

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97. Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.

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98. Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.

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99. Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...What do you...

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100. Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?

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