Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 26)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 26 of 122

1. See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn.

   Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7833

2. No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.

   Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7835

3. All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke.

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4. Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.

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5. Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go.

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6. Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead.

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7. Anything your heart desires.

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8. Louder!

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9. Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next.

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10. Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there.

    Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7852

11. Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so...

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12. Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.

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13. Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know.

    Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7867

14. Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.

    Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7869

15. Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope.

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16. You're weird.

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17. Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go.

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18. Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? 'Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?' 'Jell-O pudding.' Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.

    Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7875

19. Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7879

20. ... Oh, God is that today?

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21. Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in 'Raw,' and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in 'Daddy Daycare.' both great movies, but, still.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7883

22. Well, I'll be in my office.

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23. They're cool.

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24. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7888

25. Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?

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26. I work with a bunch of nerds.

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27. Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.

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28. Oh.

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29. Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.

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30. It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

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31. They want how many spiral pads?

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32. Okay.

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33. Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7919

34. Yes. Well... we can... uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7938

35. Nice to meet you.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7940

36. Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? You want to try?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7942

37. All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga!

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7944

38. Dwight! Dwight!

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7978

39. What the hell are you reading to them?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7980

40. Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.

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41. What's a Nazi?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7984

42. Don't!

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43. Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7988

44. Why don't you just leave? Okay?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7990

45. Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7993

46. Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7995

47. This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 7997

48. No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.

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49. Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate...

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50. I'm not just a middle... man...

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51. You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.

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52. ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8007

53. Say hi to the kids.

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54. Yaaaaay.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8011

55. What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8014

56. No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8016

57. You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8017

58. It's true. I did.

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59. I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8022

60. It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. Ryan, can you come here a second? I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8025

61. I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8027

62. Oka--

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8030

63. Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8032

64. Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8033

65. I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8034

66. I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8035

67. That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8037

68. Stop! Stop! Stop! Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8039

69. Yeah.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8041

70. Uhh, I don't know.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8046

71. Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8052

72. Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8054

73. Coulda sworn there was...

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8061

74. ...uh, no.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8063

75. Uh, just never happened.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8065

76. Uh, nope.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8067

77. I do okay.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8069

78. Yes.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8071

79. Okay! Alright, okay.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8073

80. ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8075

81. Yeah?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8088

82. Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8090

83. Thank you.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8092

84. You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8094

85. Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8096

86. Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8098

87. What about...

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8100

88. ...Jan. Kay.

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89. ...Or biologically.

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90. Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8106

91. Oh... kay.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8108

92. Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8123

93. Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8130

94. You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8131

95. One more time. You...

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96. Hey, don't touch him, please!

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8167

97. Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.

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98. Sure.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8171

99. Okay. There you go.

    Season 2 · Episode 18 · Line 8173

100. So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.

     Season 2 · Episode 19 · Line 8203