Michael Scott Quotes from The Office | Page 28

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8507

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8509

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8511

Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8513

Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8515

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8562

Remember the narc bit? Uh-oh, who's in trouble?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8564

Waa... what? What are you talking about?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8566

Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8570

Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8571

I can do that, it is my office.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8573

Hmmm. Ha. Alright. Great.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8575

It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8588

No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, 'Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.'

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8592

I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8594

Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8595

Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8597

Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8599

Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8601

Yes it is.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8603

Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8605

I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8607

Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8609

Really?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8611

Jim it's okay. You can t... This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. Oh, he's doing it, okay. It's okay. Oh. Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. Okay, well.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8613

The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8615

Yes, I will not be.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8617

Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8619

So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8625

Just forget it. Just the urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8627

Just. I need your urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8629

Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8631

It's none of your business.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8633

Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8635

I need clean urine for the lady.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8637

Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8639

A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8641

No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8643

Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8657

What's wrong? Where's your costume?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8659

Why? Wha...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8661

Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8668

Yes, sir.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8670

So you wanna? Thanks.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8672

Okay.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8674

Good.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8680

No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8682

Alright. Well, Thank you.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8684

Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8718

Exactly. I know. It's amazing.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8720

Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8723

One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8725

No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8727

No? okay, fine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8729

Okay, well, I really think that...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8731

Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8733

Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8736

Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8738

Well...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8740

I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8742

Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8784

That's a nice tie.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8792

That is... who makes that?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8794

Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8796

What's the dealio?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8799

What's the problem?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8801

So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8805

Yes.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8808

Yeah?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8810

Okay.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8812

What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8814

Okay... what?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8816

Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8818

A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8819

No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8821

Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8823

Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8825

Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using 'I' emotion language and no judging or 'you' statements.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8826

Come on, seriously, that?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8828

Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8830

Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8832

Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8835

Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8839

It is done!

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8843

Yes.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8851

Are those all the other complains?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8853

I would like to see those please.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8855

You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8857

Okay. There! No more conflict. I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. All right... is that it?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8859

Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8862

This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8866

You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8868

How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8870

That's what she said. The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does 'redacted' mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked 'redacted'... ?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8872

Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8874

All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8877

Uh...'Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?' Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8879

Here is a Kelly complaint: 'Ryan never returns my calls.' Ugh, join the club.

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8881

Makin' progress. Yes?

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8887

What?!

Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8889

Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 28)