Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 62)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 62 of 76

1. Power.

   Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50031

2. Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car.

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3. I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming.

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4. Very funny, Jim.

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5. I'm gonna set your face on fire.

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6. Packer.

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7. Uh.

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8. You didn't poison me, it's just stress.

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9. What is the antidote?

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10. I'll do it! I always say, 'You want something done right? Ask Dwight.' Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head.

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11. Mmm! There we go.

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12. Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. What kind of poison did you use?

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13. Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed.

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14. Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.

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15. You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter.

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16. I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.

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17. Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over!

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18. I'll be on top. It's the most important position.

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19. Ahh!

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20. Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit!

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50143

21. Stop moving!

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22. Oh!

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23. Arrest Jim. He poisoned me.

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24. Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen.

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25. Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50158

26. I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in.

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27. Who's doing the presentations?

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28. Damn it!

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29. Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting.

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30. I'm great. How are you?

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31. What's our presentation about?

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32. I got the surgery, what else is there to do?

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33. No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks.

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34. I want that vice-presidency.

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35. You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name. You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it.

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36. All right, who's ready for the next presentation?

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37. What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is.

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38. Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay.

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39. Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean?

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40. No, sit down. 'Seasonal.' Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. Thank you. Oh, God. Next slide.

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41. Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?

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42. Ingredients.

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43. Burgers.

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44. Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters.

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45. Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim?

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46. Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. Ah.

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47. Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle.

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48. Oh God.

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49. You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass.

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50. That's right.

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51. Ah! Not so fast.

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52. I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now.

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53. I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix.

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54. Pretty good.

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55. That's not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you've got so much on your plate. Right now, you're like 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP?' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.

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56. Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-

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57. That's a hobby, unless it's for food.

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58. Waste of time.

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59. That's just a verb.

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60. Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks.

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61. English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. You're crap. You're wonderful. They're mean, but they're incisive.

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62. Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children ' What? it's true. He- He would- he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. (Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder)

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63. That's a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback.

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64. Oh, you get kicked.

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65. (takes out bag) 40. Always.

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66. Sure. (Hands bag to Cathy)

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67. No, they're not transferrable just 'cause I handed 'em to you.

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68. Aah!

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69. Hey. I see what you're doing. It's futile. the VP position is mine.

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70. Well, saddles' ' sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.

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71. If anyone's having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it's me, and I'm not joking at all. If you don't tighten your saddle, you may fall off.

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72. Seagull.

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73. Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it

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74. You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? 'ahhmmm' excuse me' What?! Not now, I'm busy.

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75. Wait wait wait wait, bedbugs? Oh no' Freak, I need a favor.

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76. I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie.

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77. You really want Packer as your boss?

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78. If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses.

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79. Where did you see it?

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80. We gotta find it before it eggs.

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81. Describe it.

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82. Could be a bat weevil' Describe its mood. Did it seen sleepy?

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83. Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured?

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84. Pshh. That's a bedbug.

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85. Everything's a joke.

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86. Check your hair!

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50479

87. God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50481

88. You are clean. Okay' One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide I am going to generate myself into a human trap. When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50483

89. Yeah. Cover me!

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90. Let the bedbugs bite!

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91. We wait. Come to papa.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50491

92. Nope, I wasn't bitten.

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93. Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.

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94. If there were any in here, They would've imbedded themselves in me.

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95. No, you're good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50500

96. No, that's the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first.

    Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50502

97. Such a chorus girl.

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98. Euughh' Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present' Hey.

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99. Okay' Seven, one, one, nine'

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100. No, okay.

     Season 8 · Episode 16 · Line 50546