Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 63)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 63 of 76

1. Try again' Ugh, I'm still getting numbers! Seven, one, one' is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? 'Cause please stop, okay?

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2. [gasps]Wait, the numbers!

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3. oh'

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4. There you go.

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5. Seven minutes.' Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card..

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6. Win at all costs, don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

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7. Where's the bug?

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8. Stand back!

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9. It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid's cart!

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10. I think I saw it!

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11. You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.

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12. Second best Bananas Foster I've ever had.

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13. Don't let-shh!

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14. Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.

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15. Yes.

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16. Yes. Yes.

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17. We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.

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18. Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.

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19. Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.

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20. Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing ' bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?

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21. Okay.

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22. Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.

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23. Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.

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24. Perfect casting, right?

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25. Speaking of pimples, let's release the BLOGGERS!

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26. Open the gates! There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There's plenty for everyone!

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27. There's plenty. Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir.

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28. Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of Pyramids.

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29. Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really -- on the Internet, it's a really -- that's a really good, good, thing.

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30. Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?

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31. You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.

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32. Point it towards the store, idiot!

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33. You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.

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34. Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!

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35. Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.

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36. But you still work for Wired, right?

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37. Good! Okay. Flirt away.

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38. Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.

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39. You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.

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40. I'm trying to make him feel important.

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41. Um... Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.

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42. What's a book?

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43. Jim, get him a water.

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44. Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!

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45. Have you seen Erin?

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46. Oh God... Hey no! Where do you think you're going? You've gotta stay for the big presentation we've got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.

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47. It's moments away. Just stay here!

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48. How long has he been in the bathroom?

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49. Jeez! What's he doing in there?

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50. Are there any bloggers around?

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51. I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!

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52. That's right. Will you just give us a second?

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53. Jim --

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54. Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I'm telling you... if you don't do this, I don't stand a chance. Please, Jim.

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55. Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.

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56. Of course there's a costume! Oh, this is gonna be great. There's nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation.

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57. Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?

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58. Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner?

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59. You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

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60. It's true.

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61. Yep.

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62. Psst.

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63. Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it. We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation.

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64. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah!

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65. Okay! Come on!

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66. Hah! Yah! Boom!

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67. A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow!

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68. Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da!

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69. Ah!

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70. You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples.

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71. Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. Four! Oh yeah!

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72. Don't even care!

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73. Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...bye, bye. I win.

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74. Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo!

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75. Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it!

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76. The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre to the power of two.

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77. I told you.

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78. You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper.

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79. What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?

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80. What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'?

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81. You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell.

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82. Silence.

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83. I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. But your face does look like the guy from Operation.

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84. Different guy.

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85. That you look like the world's tallest hobbit.

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86. Showtime.

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87. You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.

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88. Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?

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89. Jim, come on.

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90. Uh-huh.

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91. Wait. He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?

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92. That's two things.

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93. Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.

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94. You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.

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95. Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight]

    Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51037

96. Help! Help!

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97. AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.

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98. Ah!

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99. Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-

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100. My wound hasn't healed yet.

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