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Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 61)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 61 of 76

  1. How long before?

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49550

  2. Yes I did.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49552

  3. I want to see the baby.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49555

  4. Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... willingly, or as slaves.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49557

  5. That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49558

  6. Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49620

  7. Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49622

  8. Completely true. Remember? Angela. No.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49624

  9. You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49625

  10. -and I said, 'I bet I could fulfill you,' and you said, 'I'd like to see you try,' and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49627

  11. And then I inserted my penis-

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49629

  12. Into your-

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49631

  13. Vagina and-

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49633

  14. Admit that there is a chance.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49635

  15. Admit it. Admit it.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49637

  16. Yeah.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49640

  17. Before I go, may I?

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49643

  18. Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49645

  19. I just might be his father.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49647

  20. Oh, right. The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49673

  21. Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49675

  22. Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49676

  23. I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women.

    Season 8 · Episode 13 · Line 49705

  24. What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49730

  25. What?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49750

  26. You can't tantalize me.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49752

  27. OK.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49754

  28. If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49756

  29. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49758

  30. The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus' which I don't mean.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49759

  31. Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49772

  32. Mm hm.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49774

  33. Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49777

  34. God, you're such a spy.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49779

  35. My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49801

  36. Kathy.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49803

  37. Yes.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49809

  38. Oh my god.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49811

  39. Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49813

  40. Oh god.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49815

  41. Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49817

  42. May I have your attention please? Could Kathy, Darryl, Phyllis, Kevin and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49836

  43. Oh, no big deal. It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three week all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49838

  44. Oh, I'm sorry Stanley, I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49841

  45. I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49844

  46. I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kinda random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49846

  47. Good point. But we're gonna be working pretty hard until five PM. After that it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49848

  48. It might be innate goodness versus innate badness? But there's an easy way to find out. Oh Andy, gotta few questions for you.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49850

  49. Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked and maybe you could just clarify?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49852

  50. Hey. Be proud of your enormous monster baby. I was once an enormous monster baby.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49859

  51. OK hey. I specifically remember there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49869

  52. Great idea! So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida and Andy and I will listen to it.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49873

  53. Three to four hours.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49877

  54. Two to three hours...

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49879

  55. Come up with a statement in the next hour....

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49881

  56. I have already picked my team: Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby and that is the team that I am taking. What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Gladfielder had and no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49894

  57. Mm-hm. Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. All show, no meat.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49899

  58. Ok. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49901

  59. Wow. Seasonal effective disorder, AKA: sad. That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49906

  60. Maybe it's what she does here...

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49910

  61. You know I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already. I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49915

  62. Well, No! No! Absolutely not! You are not going. Over my dead body, no. Andy?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49927

  63. I wouldn't say that...it's a bit much.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49929

  64. Jim is essential to th-

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49931

  65. Andy, Jim is just too...essen-...

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49933

  66. This is stupid! Cut.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49935

  67. He doesn't even want to go.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49937

  68. Oh my god.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49939

  69. What?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49942

  70. No.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49944

  71. No!

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49946

  72. (Bleep)

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49948

  73. You've gotta be (bleep)-ing kidding me. Ok. Ok, Florida group, welcome to the team. AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49950

  74. Let's go, step it up you runts. You infants, let's move.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49951

  75. Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice temperate Florida morning. Eighty-five degrees, seventy-five percent humidity. This is the exact environment you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. Welcome to special projects orientation. The next three weeks of your life are gonna be the most miserable you've ever faced. They're gonna be hard, they're gonna be dirty. You're gonna wish you were dead.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49953

  76. But? There's not buts. That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed, you wanna stay here?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49955

  77. Cause if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49957

  78. SHUT UP MAGGOT! YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, RING THE BELL! RING IT! Ring it.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49959

  79. How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49960

  80. I released three hundred mosquitoes in the conference room, just temporarily. When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49962

  81. Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says 'I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt' unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, oh. What was that?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49963

  82. Orientation is over.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49965

  83. Ok, Florida team, let's reconvene.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49982

  84. So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49984

  85. Basically Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49986

  86. It did, it did.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49988

  87. Oh, I like it.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49991

  88. No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that. They need to be all business. Let all the other stores look like a toy store.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49993

  89. Yes. What are my expectations for the group?

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49996

  90. I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player, Ryan, who is capable of surprises, Erin, an excellent follower and Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. And, well, Jim. Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfectinschlag.

    Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49997

  91. Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50010

  92. Wake up!

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50011

  93. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! Ow! Why are you sleeping that way?

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50012

  94. Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire!

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50014

  95. Good morning.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50017

  96. Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? Oh man.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50021

  97. Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50023

  98. Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50027

  99. I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50028

  100. I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel.

    Season 8 · Episode 15 · Line 50029