Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 59)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 59 of 76

1. I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.

   Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48089

2. Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.

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3. It's not locked, gimme that...

   Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48095

4. It's, it's latched closed.

   Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48097

5. Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.

   Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48112

6. Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.

   Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48113

7. Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.

   Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48114

8. Oh yeah?

   Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48116

9. That's right Jim.

   Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48119

10. Hey.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48121

11. No. Putting a load on more like it.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48123

12. Last thing I need is luck.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48125

13. Thank you so much.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48126

14. What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48128

15. Oh that's real creative.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48130

16. I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48132

17. Standing.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48134

18. Don't!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48136

19. Standing.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48138

20. I know.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48140

21. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48157

22. Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48159

23. Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48161

24. Your path from obesity begins right here!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48163

25. Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48165

26. Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48182

27. It's the second easiest job in the world. Being a mom.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48185

28. That is true.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48187

29. That's me.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48189

30. Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48191

31. Ready? What do you think?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48194

32. You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month'

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48196

33. Darryl...

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48198

34. Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48222

35. Kelly?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48227

36. That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48229

37. What do you think you're doing?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48282

38. I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48284

39. I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48286

40. Eight minutes!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48288

41. Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48290

42. That's what I said.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48292

43. I know.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48294

44. This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48332

45. First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48334

46. Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48336

47. You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48379

48. Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48381

49. All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48383

50. No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48385

51. What do you want!?!

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48387

52. Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48389

53. Hey, what are you listening to?

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48392

54. There is no shower.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48395

55. What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48397

56. Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives.

    Season 8 · Episode 9 · Line 48399

57. What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48422

58. Where? Dark side or light side?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48424

59. Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48426

60. Thank you, Andy.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48428

61. Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48456

62. I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48461

63. What is it?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48467

64. No, absolutely not.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48470

65. Boom!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48530

66. Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48549

67. Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48551

68. Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48553

69. Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48559

70. Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48561

71. You see?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48563

72. Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48569

73. Come down right away!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48572

74. Yes, I was quilled.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48574

75. Henrietta.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48576

76. Enough of this garbage. This is Christmas. Hi-yah!!!!! Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48637

77. What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48704

78. Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48717

79. Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48719

80. Hey. Enjoy your new clump.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48736

81. It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48738

82. Uh huh.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48740

83. You'll be fine over there.

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48744

84. So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. Dammit Kathy!

    Season 8 · Episode 10 · Line 48747

85. Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48765

86. You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48770

87. Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48785

88. Dwight Schrute for Robert California!

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48786

89. I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48788

90. Gabe? You don't know?

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48791

91. Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48793

92. Robert.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48796

93. Yes.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48798

94. Very good.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48800

95. Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48835

96. Meat grinder.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48837

97. You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48839

98. But I can give you this pitch in one minute-

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48841

99. Still an important position. Still a chief.

    Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48844

100. There's no fires within eight miles of here.

     Season 8 · Episode 11 · Line 48882