Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 51)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 51 of 76

1. It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home.

   Season 7 · Episode 5 · Quote 39845

2. Pleasure.

   Season 7 · Episode 5 · Quote 39847

3. So long, Stanley!

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39875

4. Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39883

5. To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39885

6. You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39887

7. Lake Erie.

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39897

8. Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39934

9. He went to Gabe behind your back.

   Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39971

10. He went over your head to go behind your back.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39973

11. No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39975

12. Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 39977

13. Garbage magnet. Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 40004

14. Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 40006

15. Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 40075

16. I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.

    Season 7 · Episode 6 · Quote 40076

17. Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? 'Cause of the euro.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40154

18. Uh...

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40156

19. NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40158

20. The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40160

21. Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40162

22. Yes. I would welcome it.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40164

23. The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40166

24. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40179

25. Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40210

26. Opus dei.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40234

27. Shh, shh, shh.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40240

28. Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40277

29. I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40279

30. I'll call you back.

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40281

31. Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40330

32. Gah!

    Season 7 · Episode 7 · Quote 40332

33. They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40437

34. Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40469

35. Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40471

36. Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40535

37. Kelly. Kev- Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40537

38. That would be nice wouldn't it?

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40563

39. You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40565

40. Really? Oh... Then here we are.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40567

41. She loves me.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40591

42. Well something's come up, I have to go.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40593

43. I have something to do.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40595

44. I do. But you married my worst enemy.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40597

45. Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40599

46. From Jim.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40601

47. Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40605

48. Insert it in my mouth.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40620

49. No, try me.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40622

50. I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40624

51. No. Crust first. Okay, now the beer. Beer me Jim. Ssss. Gentle. Now I've gotta go meet Angela.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40626

52. I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40628

53. Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40630

54. Yeah sure, Jim could go see her.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40632

55. You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40634

56. She's in heat. She will eat your face off!

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40637

57. A single piece of pepperoni please.

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40639

58. What are you doing?

    Season 7 · Episode 8 · Quote 40641

59. Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40710

60. Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40715

61. Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40717

62. Try 'Big Boobs' with a 'Z'.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40732

63. All Right

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40734

64. Yes.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40736

65. Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40775

66. Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it 'Hay Place'. Eldred Called it 'Hay World'. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! Watch it, watch it.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40776

67. Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40777

68. Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40779

69. Roll in the hay, five dollars.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40781

70. Oh, our contract.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40783

71. Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40785

72. So, uh... Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40787

73. Hey kids, was that fun?

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40859

74. All Right!

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40861

75. Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40863

76. Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40864

77. Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40867

78. Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40870

79. Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40872

80. And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All in favor of Purebred. Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. And let's hear it for... Purebred. Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40979

81. Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 40980

82. Angela? Angela!

    Season 7 · Episode 9 · Quote 41006

83. [picks up pencil between his toes]

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41017

84. Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41019

85. I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41021

86. D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41023

87. [lifts cup up with toes]

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41025

88. Uhh, aah!

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41027

89. [taps Jim's hand with his foot]

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41029

90. Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41036

91. China is on the move?

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41046

92. I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41058

93. Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41061

94. Which is you' is not a sentence.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41063

95. Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41067

96. Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41069

97. Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41076

98. You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41079

99. I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.

    Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41103

100. [chuckles]

     Season 7 · Episode 10 · Quote 41135