Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office | Page 51

It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home.

Season 7 · Episode 5 · Line 39845

Season 7 · Episode 5 · Line 39847

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39875

Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39883

To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39885

You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39887

Lake Erie.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39897

Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like?

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39934

He went to Gabe behind your back.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39971

He went over your head to go behind your back.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39973

No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39975

Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 39977

Garbage magnet. Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. I can't believe this doesn't make you mad!

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 40004

Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 40006

Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 40075

I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.

Season 7 · Episode 6 · Line 40076

Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? 'Cause of the euro.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40154

Uh...

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40156

NO, no, no. They will cost you your life.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40158

The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40160

Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40162

Yes. I would welcome it.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40164

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40166

For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40179

Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40210

Opus dei.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40234

Shh, shh, shh.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40240

Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40277

I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40279

I'll call you back.

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40281

Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40330

Gah!

Season 7 · Episode 7 · Line 40332

They shouldn't televise any of this, it just encourages copy-cats.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40437

Not because I want to. With all the feeling to base a show around. Glee? Thirst. Now that's a show I'd watch.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40469

Tonight might be a convenient night for us to have some intercourse.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40471

Michael, I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out. I took the liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here. Jim. Oscar. Creed. Me, at first.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40535

Kelly. Kev- Are you gonna quiet that baby? Or do I have to? In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40537

That would be nice wouldn't it?

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40563

You know it's not really necessary for me to sit here holding her all night. Just go into Gabe's refrigerator, get a lump of suit, or any kind of congealed animal fat will do rally, tie a piece of string to it and the other end to her toe, put the suit in her mouth, she'll be happy for hours.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40565

Really? Oh... Then here we are.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40567

She loves me.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40591

Well something's come up, I have to go.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40593

I have something to do.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40595

I do. But you married my worst enemy.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40597

Enough. I will require beer and pizza to think this over.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40599

From Jim.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40601

Surprise me. No! Pepperoni.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40605

Insert it in my mouth.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40620

No, try me.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40622

I'd prefer for him to think of it as degrading.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40624

No. Crust first. Okay, now the beer. Beer me Jim. Ssss. Gentle. Now I've gotta go meet Angela.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40626

I have a legal obligation to Angela. Okay, she needs to be serviced.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40628

Oh come on, stop the fake prissy act. We're in the real world. Sex contracts exist!

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40630

Yeah sure, Jim could go see her.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40632

You ever been with the blondes before? It's the big leagues.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40634

She's in heat. She will eat your face off!

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40637

A single piece of pepperoni please.

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40639

What are you doing?

Season 7 · Episode 8 · Line 40641

Uh-Oh. Okay, okay, nobody panic. Listen Up, listen up. Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40710

Try zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, zero.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40715

Okay, now try Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, zero, one.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40717

Try 'Big Boobs' with a 'Z'.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40732

All Right

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40734

Yes.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40736

Ah, this is good hay. Yeah. This is the good stuff, mattress quality.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40775

Every fall, my Uncle Eldred used to build us a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it 'Hay Place'. Eldred Called it 'Hay World'. Eventually lawyers were brought in. But that's all behind us. Hay Place lives on! Watch it, watch it.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40776

Hello! Welcome to Hay Place! A place for hay.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40777

Oh, and the Petting Zoo closes at 2:00, and the Goat Roast is at 3:00. Come on in, enjoy!

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40779

Roll in the hay, five dollars.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40781

Oh, our contract.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40783

Yes, why don't we meet at the usual spot. Uh... I've got a half an hour during lunch in-between the historical reenactment of the dunmore farm slaughters and the onion boil.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40785

So, uh... Excuse me, get off of there! Those are show bales, not play bales.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40787

Hey kids, was that fun?

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40859

All Right!

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40861

Oh, I bet you do. You know what? When I was a little kid, they couldn't get me off the hayride! But it's gonna cost you three more bucks.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40863

Wow! This brings back memories. Hay stacking, hay throwing... and at the end of it all, one lucky boy would be crowned Hay King. I always wanted to be Hay King. The world shines on Mose.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40864

Uh, can we move this to the end of the day?

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40867

Hey, congratulations! Do you know what your prize is?

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40870

Nothing. Life Lesson? Some tasks are not worth doing.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40872

And now, by show of applause, We will crown this year's hay king. All in favor of Purebred. Put your hands together for... Mixed Bread. And let's hear it for... Purebred. Mm. It appears we have a three-way tie. I have no choice but to pick the Hay King myself. I pick... Me! I am your Hay King! All Hail your Hay King!

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40979

Did I truck 300 bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 40980

Angela? Angela!

Season 7 · Episode 9 · Line 41006

[picks up pencil between his toes]

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41017

Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41019

I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41021

D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41023

[lifts cup up with toes]

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41025

Uhh, aah!

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41027

[taps Jim's hand with his foot]

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41029

Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41036

China is on the move?

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41046

I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41058

Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41061

Which is you' is not a sentence.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41063

Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41067

Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41069

Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41076

You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41079

I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve.

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41103

[chuckles]

Season 7 · Episode 10 · Line 41135

Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 51)