Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 53)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 53 of 76

1. Strip club. I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.

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2. Yeah!

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3. Hey.

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4. How are the marks?

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5. What are some of your small business ideas?

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6. That's great. There's a big, big future in that.

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7. Um, what about you?

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8. Uh-huh.

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9. Wow!

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10. Right. Okay? Great.

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11. You promised us whales. These are worms.

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12. We're no more a team than the people staying in the same hotel are a team.

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13. So what's your crazy business pipe dream?

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14. Really?

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15. Phyllis?

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16. Some of these people are for real.

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17. Hey, friend. How's it going? Oh, you know what? Let me steep that for you.

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18. Hey, you know what? Good news. We're back in. Let's go sell some paper, Buddy. Huh?

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19. I got it. I got it.

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20. You're gonna blow it.

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21. Andy. I didn't think you had it in ya.

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22. Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.

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23. Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: marsupial.

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24. Hey hey hey. Let me answer this. Stupid question. He went back to the office, obviously, which is that way.

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25. Alright. Don't get a swelled head. You're no tracker. Let's ride.

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26. Has Michael checked in?

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27. I asked you a question.

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28. Goodbye.

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29. Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.

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30. This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.

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31. Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.

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32. No word from Michael.

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33. Hey.

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34. There's too many brands. Where's Holly?

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35. Hey!

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36. What are you doing?

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37. Tootenbacher.

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38. Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?

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39. Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian...

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40. Uncanny. Put a pin in that. Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know?

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41. He's heading downtown.

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42. Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, 'this way, this way'?

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43. Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you!

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44. All right then. Someone propose a plan.

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45. Not you, Erin.

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46. That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.

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47. Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling.

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48. Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really.

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49. You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine.

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50. Michael. Confession: I have done PDA in the office.

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51. I've had intercourse in the office.

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52. As has Angela!

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53. As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. As has Michael and as has Holly.

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54. Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time?

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55. And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation?

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56. Yes!

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57. Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him.

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58. Shh.

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59. Just hush.

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60. Just rock. Shh.

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61. Movie idea?

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62. Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap.

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63. Kevin! Do more stupid faces.

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64. I don't know.

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65. Do the monkey face!

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66. Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down.

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67. Go back to the monkey!

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68. Hurl your feces.

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69. Good.

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70. They really do that.

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71. My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

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72. I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- to be like this! But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.

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73. He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?

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74. No no, he's doing it to catch the president!

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75. I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.

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76. They're still good for another week.

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77. Hardy har har. Okay picture this: Snowy ash drizzles from the sky. A ravenous pack of dogs surrounds you as the flame at the end of your stick dies out. There's only one hope left for you. The door to my shelter. You pound, you beg, Dwight! Please let me in! But I ignore your cries and do not let you in. You wanna know why?

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78. No. Because you laughed at me. Kevin will be eaten! Pam will be taken slave! Jim will be made a warlord's gesture. Meredith will do ok. Be assured this day will come. It's just a matter of time. Could be one month, could be two months.

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79. Could be.

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80. I can see that happening, yes.

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81. That's a realistic time line.

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82. Perhaps.

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83. I can see that as a very real possibility.

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84. I can see that happening.

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85. Why's he talking to Holly?

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86. Holly, you approved this?

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87. I didn't order anything.

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88. Well there's a lot of seats in the annex.

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89. I have been sitting here for ten years, Michael.

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90. No it is not.

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91. I don't wanna move desks!

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92. Hey, who's dirt box is this?

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93. What do you grow in here, bullcrap?

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94. Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.

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95. Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.

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96. Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.

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97. Drink it!

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98. None of your business.

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99. It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.

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100. Really.

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