Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 48)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 48 of 76

1. Oh, good, and you resent this because...

   Season 6 · Episode 21 · Line 37329

2. Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton Strangler's in the house. Inside the house.

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3. Hey... what are you guys doing?

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4. You know, we really should keep practicing for this interview.

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5. Ryan? What does he know?

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6. We?'

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7. Kelly will be even worse than Darryl. If you'd have told me this morning that today I'd be creating a monster capable f my own destruction, I 'd have thought you were referring to the bull Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

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8. Kelly is disqualified!

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9. You said the program is not open to Caucasians. Well... anthropologically, she is Indian. Indians migrated from the caucuses region of Europe. Therefore, technically, she is Caucasian. You're welcome, America.

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10. Well, obviously, she is brownish. But come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic.

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11. Kelly is the only applicant.

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12. Oh, dear God. Okay. Don't make any decisions just yet. Okay? I'll be right back.

    Season 6 · Episode 21 · Line 37427

13. How would one of you feel if I told you I could put you on a fast track to an executive position at this company?

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14. I wasn't talking to you, pale-face.

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15. What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.

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16. Yes.

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17. Speaking of rainbows, Oscar... you are kind of a double minority. Gay. So we at Sabre could really benefit from your perspective.

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18. I can protect you from Kelly. Will you get out of here? Seriously.

    Season 6 · Episode 21 · Line 37467

19. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Hide Toshi Hasagawa. He would like to apply for the Sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative.

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20. Helping heal America in a dramatic fashion in the 11th hour.

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21. Caucasians, am I right? Have a seat. I'll translate.

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22. You don't know what you need. Just...

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23. Hey, kiddo. Congratulations are in order. You deserve it.

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24. Oh.

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25. Gosh. He he.

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26. Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

    Season 6 · Episode 21 · Line 37518

27. Stop it!

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28. You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37537

29. Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!

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30. Michael, come on.

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31. Fine. Hey. Tap away.

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32. Eel fishing.

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33. Are you nuts?

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34. Oh, no.

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35. Oh, God, that tickles. What did...

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36. I think I've got one for you.

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37. $100 a day, plus expenses.

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38. I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find.

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39. And you might not like how I find it.

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40. Hi stranger.

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41. I work with Michael.

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42. Dwight Schrute.

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43. All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37631

44. Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead.

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45. It's all yours. Ah!

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46. Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37662

47. Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here.

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48. Oh. Oh. Oh. One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?

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49. Really? Hey, um...

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50. Get out of my way. Huh!

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51. Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right?

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52. Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked.

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53. Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh!

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37674

54. Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.

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55. Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here.

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56. Put your fingers here.

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57. I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.

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58. People who don't trust egg whites.

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59. Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37686

60. You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, 'What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office.

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37688

61. Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill.

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37836

62. You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast!

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63. No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side.

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64. If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.

    Season 6 · Episode 22 · Line 37842

65. You were being really funny, and then you went too far.

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66. No, hmmm... that's still...

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37857

67. Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here's how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37868

68. Toby, come on.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37871

69. Ready, one bullet. And boom!

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70. Leave, get outta here.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37891

71. Right now!

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37893

72. Michael, nice tie or something.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37899

73. No.

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74. Alleged contract.

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75. Just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. Gyah! See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37914

76. So much of this is just impossible to verify. Item five, point 'B', uh... the beet juice cleanse?

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37915

77. How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 37917

78. Eughh.

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79. Same page. Just keep moving.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38007

80. Which we can't know.

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81. Unless we're unplugged.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38011

82. And wake up in the future.

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83. What?

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84. What?

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38019

85. I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.

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86. $30,000? There's gotta be another way.

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87. Look, I will not pay.

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88. Intercourse to completion. Five individual times rendered at my discretion?'

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89. Agreed.

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90. Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38038

91. But not in your bed. It's lumpy.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38039

92. Fine. Five times.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38041

93. No.

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94. Do you understand how rare is that in nature?

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38046

95. I am an honorable man, and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. Let's see what she gets. Aah!

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38126

96. I could have stopped him.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38154

97. Are you warmed up?

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38155

98. God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility?

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38157

99. Never mind. Just never mind.

    Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38159

100. Oh, it'll work. Mm. Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract.

     Season 6 · Episode 23 · Line 38161