Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 36)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 36 of 76

1. No.

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2. PETA.

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3. Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?

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4. Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?

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5. I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping.

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6. What? You?

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7. Come on.

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8. That's preposterous.

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9. This is a farce. I should be teaching this course.

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10. Absolutely I would not.

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11. Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

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12. Anyone else?

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13. Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

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14. He is.

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15. Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. Here we go.

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16. We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart.

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17. Clarice?

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18. I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.

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19. Wow.

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20. I have.

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21. 'I state my regret.'

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22. I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.

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23. Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

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24. Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

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25. Speaking of which...

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26. May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you.

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27. That was the last signature I needed.

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28. How dare you all attack him like this.

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29. Michael is your superior.

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30. Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him.

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31. Ok, no, they don't understand who they have...

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32. You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.

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33. Are you calling me an idiot?

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34. Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

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35. It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.

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36. Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?

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37. Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.

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38. Got it.

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39. Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?

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40. Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.

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41. Go ahead, you do it.

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42. I insist.

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43. What he said was...

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44. ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.

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45. I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. That's on my side.

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46. If you say screw you one more time...

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47. Hey, HEY.

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48. Oh God.

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49. What kind of cake do you want imbecile.

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50. Well, I'm not done yet.

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51. They match the carpet

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52. It's a statement of fact.

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53. This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

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54. Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

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55. Have you collected the money from everyone?

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56. How much do you have?

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57. That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!

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58. [sighs]

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59. Damn it! Dwight Schrute.

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60. Who is this?

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61. Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you.

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62. Uh, 24. 37.

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63. I'll call you back.

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64. I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.' Juvie. 'According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor...' Blah, Blah, Blah.

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65. What did you do?

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66. What did you do?

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67. What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?

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68. Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.

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69. In juvie.

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70. Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!

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71. For reha-

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72. What did you do? Huh?

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73. Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. What did you do?

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74. I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!

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75. Frosting.

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76. Nice job on the cake, Bozo!

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77. Busy!

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78. Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face.

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79. You know what? I'm a little busy.

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80. It's not effeminate. It's festive.

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81. You have to write my suggestions down, too.

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82. It's in the name.

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83. You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid.

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84. Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord.

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85. Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. What about you?

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86. That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

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87. Hey, it's not a surprise.

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88. Told you.

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89. Our theme, if you will.

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90. That's our theme.

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91. Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?

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92. No.

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93. Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go.

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94. Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this.

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95. Okay, you've got one hour.

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96. Mm, great cake.

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97. Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. Many happy returns.

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98. Ayyyy!

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99. So sexy it becomes hostile.

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100. Yeah, deal with it Pam!

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