Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 34)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 34 of 76

1. What is this?

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25868

2. You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25870

3. Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25872

4. Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my --

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5. These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.

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6. Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: 'My horn can pierce the sky'. Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess?

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25892

7. I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25894

8. They are now.

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25897

9. All right.

   Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25918

10. Oh, so glad I could help.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25920

11. Merry Christmas.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25922

12. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25924

13. We got a live one! On fire!!

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25927

14. Aye.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25957

15. No, I like Meredith.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25978

16. Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25979

17. I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25996

18. There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25997

19. Oh, as fire marshal I would have to.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 25999

20. She is a hazard to the other people of the office.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26001

21. I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26003

22. Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26005

23. Really?

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26007

24. $200.00

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26048

25. Oh, that's my last one.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26051

26. Not my problem.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26055

27. Well don't look so surprised.

    Season 5 · Episode 10 · Line 26095

28. Aah!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26111

29. Yes!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26113

30. I was just jogging.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26115

31. Wait, what? You can't take what?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26153

32. No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26155

33. Seems like you already know where.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26162

34. Trade seats with me.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26171

35. I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26173

36. I need a soup spoon.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26175

37. Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26176

38. [moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention]

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26177

39. You've got to tell Andy about us.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26179

40. Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26181

41. Do you love me or not?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26183

42. Because you're engaged to Andy.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26185

43. Not yet.

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44. Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26198

45. I don't know.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26200

46. Yes.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26202

47. Eager.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26206

48. And flexible.

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49. Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down.

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50. Might get ugly.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26217

51. Have a good trip.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26220

52. If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26244

53. If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26246

54. Andy.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26291

55. Oh good. She broke up with you.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26293

56. Uh, no way. I am not giving up.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26295

57. No I don't.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26297

58. Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26299

59. Will never be her name.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26301

60. I don't think so.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26303

61. And I'm telling you that I will never back down.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26306

62. Oh really? How are you gonna do that?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26308

63. That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26310

64. Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26313

65. Fine!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26315

66. What is your weapon?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26317

67. Hey, this is none of your business.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26319

68. Yes!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26322

69. Outside of work.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26324

70. None of your business then. Good. So what weapon?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26326

71. That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26328

72. I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26336

73. Mm.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26338

74. How'd that get there?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26341

75. Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26352

76. Come on!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26355

77. Where are you?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26357

78. Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... 'From the desk of Andrew Bernard.' A note. Pathetic. 'Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.' True. 'The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly...'

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26360

79. Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26365

80. Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26369

81. Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26372

82. Never! Get out and face me like a man!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26374

83. You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. 'La la la la la la la la la la!' What does that mean? You can't even protect her!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26376

84. Last year, idiot!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26378

85. No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26380

86. Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26383

87. I sa-

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26385

88. Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26387

89. What?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26389

90. She's sleeping with you?

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26391

91. She said she was only sleeping with me.

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26393

92. [picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can]

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26395

93. [as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]

    Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26398

94. What's this?

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26399

95. Hmm. It wasn't here before.

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26401

96. Yours doesn't.

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26403

97. No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires.

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26405

98. What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26445

99. No, I wanna seduce her.

    Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26447

100. Please Michael, please.

     Season 5 · Episode 12 · Line 26449