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Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 33)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 33 of 76

  1. OK.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24867

  2. You already said deal.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24869

  3. What do I do with my bonus check? Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24892

  4. Here.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24895

  5. My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? Excuse me, I've got work to do.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24899

  6. Hey, what are you laughing at?

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24902

  7. Are you laughing at me?

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24904

  8. How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24907

  9. There's no way you're laughing at this.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24910

  10. [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24912

  11. It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! Then I shoot myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24913

  12. Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24916

  13. The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24917

  14. Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24918

  15. The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24919

  16. Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24920

  17. What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster.

    Season 5 · Episode 6 · Line 24921

  18. Wait, why do you need three suitcases?

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24953

  19. Do you have your money belt?

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24955

  20. No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24957

  21. Here, let me help you.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24959

  22. Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24961

  23. [sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases]

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 24977

  24. Who is that monkey?

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25133

  25. Know what?

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25145

  26. Oh, well, doesn't surprise me.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25147

  27. Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25149

  28. What? Are there two suns?

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25152

  29. Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25155

  30. It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25157

  31. You're back.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25235

  32. Good. I need you to make five copies of these.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25237

  33. Alright. First thing in the morning then.

    Season 5 · Episode 7 · Line 25239

  34. Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25249

  35. To socialize. And inform.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25251

  36. He looks great.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25273

  37. Well rested.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25275

  38. Also, it's icky back there.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25287

  39. Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25347

  40. I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25349

  41. Okay

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25351

  42. I am the bait.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25353

  43. Men find me desirable.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25355

  44. Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25357

  45. Mmhmm.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25359

  46. Men find me desirable.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25361

  47. Those are fighting words.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25387

  48. I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25389

  49. Hmmm?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25391

  50. Come on. Baaah!

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25395

  51. Hit him! Hit him, Chicken.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25397

  52. Ryan. Come on, man?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25400

  53. Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25402

  54. Are you really not going to punch him?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25405

  55. I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25409

  56. There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25411

  57. Frame him, for using drugs.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25413

  58. Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25415

  59. Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25417

  60. Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25447

  61. Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25452

  62. Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25455

  63. Search his things.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25457

  64. They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25462

  65. Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25468

  66. No! Michael, no!

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25487

  67. So wait a minute, there's no drugs?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25493

  68. Gahh, dammit! Come on!

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25495

  69. Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25497

  70. You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25499

  71. What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

    Season 5 · Episode 8 · Line 25544

  72. Yeah, do tell.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25599

  73. Mmhmm.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25601

  74. How could it be more clear?

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25603

  75. Okay.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25605

  76. We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25607

  77. Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25609

  78. This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25625

  79. You're gonna need to be more specific.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25627

  80. Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25629

  81. You wanna eat, don't you?

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25631

  82. ...I'll consider it.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25634

  83. There's a hose out back.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25636

  84. Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25709

  85. Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25711

  86. Cats don't make butter.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25713

  87. It doesn't make any sense.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25715

  88. Cow, goat or sheep.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25719

  89. Here's another place.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25745

  90. So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25748

  91. He doesn't understand a word you're saying.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25753

  92. Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, 'I do.' And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25755

  93. And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25757

  94. I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25788

  95. Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, 'I do.' And I said, 'I do.' And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25790

  96. Yes, of course it does.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25792

  97. It does in the state of Pennsylvania.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25794

  98. Haha, Mrs. Schrute.

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25796

  99. Wha...

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25798

  100. My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!

    Season 5 · Episode 9 · Line 25800