Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 31)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 31 of 76

1. What are you doing?

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2. Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. Really? Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti---

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3. There is no way that that was---

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4. Ok.

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5. None of your business.

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6. Fine.

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7. Yes, maybe I'm not.

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8. Hey Michael?

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9. Contractions are coming every ten minutes.

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10. My cervix is ripening.

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11. Michael! My water's breaking!

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12. Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?

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13. Right. Highways or surface roads?

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14. No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!

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15. It's about adapting to the circumstances.

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16. No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa!

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17. The pressure! The pressure!

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18. Aaaaaaaa!

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19. Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

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20. Hold me!

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21. Cradle my head!

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22. I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!

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23. Numb me up. I want anesthesia!

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24. No! I don't want natural!

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25. OK!

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26. Aaaaaaaa!

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27. Do you have the Sharpie?!

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28. Do you have the Sharpie?!

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29. OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.

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30. Ready?!

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31. Aaaaaaaa!

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32. Butter. Newborns are slippery.

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33. Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

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34. Oh no...

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35. Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

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36. Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.

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37. Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

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38. Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!

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39. Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!

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40. Playtime is over!

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41. I like to call this... the bumper test.

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42. Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.

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43. Hello, spoiled little baby, in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... Inconclusive. Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.

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44. Not so weak, huh, Mom?

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45. Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer

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46. Let's see what this baby can do... Aaaah! Aa-aaah! It's a hardy stroller. Maybe it's safe!

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47. You set a date?

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48. A knife.

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49. You got a better way?

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50. About what?

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51. I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.

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52. She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.

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53. I was talking to myself.

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54. I just don't get it.

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55. Why is she marrying Andy?

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56. That's really fattening.

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57. Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.

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58. Ugh.

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59. Get in.

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60. I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.

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61. Are you sure that's going to work?

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62. Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...

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63. Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this.

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64. I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!

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65. Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.

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66. I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.

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67. Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?

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68. Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?

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69. Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.

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70. Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. And you slap like a girl.

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71. What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.

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72. 300 and one penny.

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73. 350 and one penny.

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74. 400 and one penny.

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75. 500 and one penny.

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76. 700 and one penny.

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77. Eh, it's not worth it.

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78. Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. You want half a sandwich?

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79. I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. Mmm. I hope you like fox meat.

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80. Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! Disappear.

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81. Good morning temp.

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82. Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?

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83. Andy.

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84. No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!

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85. Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.

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86. I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.

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87. Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it.

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88. Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.

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89. Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.

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90. Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.

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91. Excuse me?

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92. Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.

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93. What do you say?

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94. Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?

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95. That's a conflict of interest.

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96. Interview.

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97. What?

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98. Okay.

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99. Bring it.

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100. Dale Raymond Corson!

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