Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 31)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 31 of 76

1. What are you doing?

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23300

2. Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. Really? Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti---

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23302

3. There is no way that that was---

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23304

4. Ok.

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23332

5. None of your business.

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23359

6. Fine.

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23361

7. Yes, maybe I'm not.

   Season 5 · Episode 2 · Quote 23363

8. Hey Michael?

   Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23448

9. Contractions are coming every ten minutes.

   Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23450

10. My cervix is ripening.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23452

11. Michael! My water's breaking!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23455

12. Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23457

13. Right. Highways or surface roads?

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23459

14. No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23461

15. It's about adapting to the circumstances.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23463

16. No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23466

17. The pressure! The pressure!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23468

18. Aaaaaaaa!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23470

19. Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23472

20. Hold me!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23474

21. Cradle my head!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23476

22. I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23478

23. Numb me up. I want anesthesia!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23480

24. No! I don't want natural!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23482

25. OK!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23484

26. Aaaaaaaa!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23486

27. Do you have the Sharpie?!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23488

28. Do you have the Sharpie?!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23490

29. OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23492

30. Ready?!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23494

31. Aaaaaaaa!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23496

32. Butter. Newborns are slippery.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23498

33. Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23540

34. Oh no...

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23564

35. Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23565

36. Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23604

37. Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23606

38. Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23619

39. Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23620

40. Playtime is over!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23621

41. I like to call this... the bumper test.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23682

42. Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23687

43. Hello, spoiled little baby, in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... Inconclusive. Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23755

44. Not so weak, huh, Mom?

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23756

45. Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23757

46. Let's see what this baby can do... Aaaah! Aa-aaah! It's a hardy stroller. Maybe it's safe!

    Season 5 · Episode 3 · Quote 23758

47. You set a date?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23798

48. A knife.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23801

49. You got a better way?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23803

50. About what?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23805

51. I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23807

52. She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23817

53. I was talking to myself.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23819

54. I just don't get it.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23821

55. Why is she marrying Andy?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23823

56. That's really fattening.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23825

57. Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23847

58. Ugh.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23871

59. Get in.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23872

60. I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23874

61. Are you sure that's going to work?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23876

62. Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight...

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23878

63. Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23903

64. I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23905

65. Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23950

66. I had to get your attention. This is an emergency.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23955

67. Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23957

68. Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23959

69. Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23961

70. Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. And you slap like a girl.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23963

71. What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 23964

72. 300 and one penny.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24000

73. 350 and one penny.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24006

74. 400 and one penny.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24010

75. 500 and one penny.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24014

76. 700 and one penny.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24018

77. Eh, it's not worth it.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24021

78. Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. You want half a sandwich?

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24067

79. I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. Mmm. I hope you like fox meat.

    Season 5 · Episode 4 · Quote 24069

80. Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! Disappear.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24094

81. Good morning temp.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24113

82. Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24115

83. Andy.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24117

84. No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24119

85. Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24121

86. I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24123

87. Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24124

88. Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24131

89. Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24133

90. Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24135

91. Excuse me?

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24200

92. Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24206

93. What do you say?

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24208

94. Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24250

95. That's a conflict of interest.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24252

96. Interview.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24254

97. What?

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24256

98. Okay.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24258

99. Bring it.

    Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24290

100. Dale Raymond Corson!

     Season 5 · Episode 5 · Quote 24292