Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 28)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 28 of 76

1. I'm losing control of my bladder.

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2. Did you say Karen?

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3. Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier.

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4. Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

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5. Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

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6. Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.

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7. Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going.

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8. Woohoo!

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9. Scranton rules!

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10. Pam is down for anything.

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11. Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.

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12. I'm on it.

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13. Let's see if any of these will work.

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14. I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, 'Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.' Well I say, 'It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.'

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15. Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not.

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16. No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.

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17. I would make sure that you were dead.

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18. First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified.

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19. And they would call me the Overkill Killer.

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20. What are you doing?

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21. It would be better if you were unconscious.

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22. Do you want to do this right or not?

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23. We're here.

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24. Here we go. Just the two of us

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25. Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?

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26. Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it.

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27. Good a spot as any.

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28. I'm just --

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29. Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. Behold.

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30. Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape.

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31. Good luck, Michael.

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32. I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

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33. Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. I hope he finds it. Lunch.

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34. About two more minutes.

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35. Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... on.

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36. Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out.

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37. You wanted to see me?

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38. I'm on it.

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39. Jim, Michael's office.

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40. Now, Jim!

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41. And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage.

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42. Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.

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43. Don't you want a sheath for that?

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44. Anything else? Flint...

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45. Parka...

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46. Tent, rainfly, gorp...

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47. Mmmnnnnmmm...

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48. All right! What is going on here?

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49. I told you.

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50. All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J'rg Ro'kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.

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51. Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.

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52. Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass.

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53. Thank you Michael.

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54. Michael, what time should I be arriving?

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55. Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party?

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56. Hello.

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57. We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?

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58. So can we come in?

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59. Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg.

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60. Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?

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61. Hey hey hey hey. I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.

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62. Purely carnal and that's all you need to know.

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63. Fine. Get outta here.

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64. Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?

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65. Michael can come home with me.

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66. You people. Come on. You're sleeping with me.

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67. I'm gonna take you home Michael.

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68. Alright.

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69. I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. 'Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.' Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy.

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70. Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. If that idiot ever gets here.

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71. Write legibly people.

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72. OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies.

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73. I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

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74. That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.

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75. The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.

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76. She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

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77. Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. Here we go. Yeah.

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78. Jim, how dare you.

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79. You know what you need? Closure.

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80. There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye.

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81. Come on. I'll drive.

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82. I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.

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83. Yeah.

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84. She was stoned apparently.

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85. You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive.

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86. Yeah.

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87. Rhythm and blues...

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88. Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate.

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89. Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount.

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90. You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room.

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91. Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.

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92. We don't take debit cards, anyway.

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93. You've got a ton of dandruff.

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94. Taste good too.

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95. Wow! Lot of calories.

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96. Hey Michael, how was your date last night?

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97. Question.

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98. Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?

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99. I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all.

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100. Yeah!

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