Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 29)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 29 of 76

1. No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three.

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2. With sex!

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3. Fire hazard.

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4. Women look like white slaves.

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5. Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character.

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6. No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit.

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7. Do you live in a regular sized house?

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8. Good.

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9. Well it's weevil season but we were prepared.

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10. They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out.

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11. You've already been several times.

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12. Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection.

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13. I'll order you some cranberry juice.

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14. Do you have powers?

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15. Excuse me.

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16. How did you all find each other?

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17. Amazons.

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18. Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. You two, Jersey State girls, let's go.

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19. OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go.

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20. Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?

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21. Oh.

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22. It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. Nice try.

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23. I do, I have to go.

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24. No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?

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25. Uh huh. I'm not gonna call her.

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26. Wow.

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27. All right.

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28. Nice.

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29. I got sofa. I got sofa.

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30. I got floor.

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31. Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?

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32. It's a lullaby.

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33. I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.

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34. OK. Good night Ryan.

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35. Ohhh, man! There it goes.

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36. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir.

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37. That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi.

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38. It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.

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39. Friends with a hobbit.

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40. Hazel. They're hazel.

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41. Come on!

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42. Can you breathe?

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43. Hold your breath.

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44. Ready?

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45. And... go. Force it in as deep as you can.

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46. Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.

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47. Unh! Scratch.

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48. Uh, bumper's sagging.

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49. This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing.

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50. Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey.

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51. Yes.

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52. You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now.

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53. Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one--

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54. Five, four, three, two...

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55. Now. Now. Now.

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56. Say it. Do it. Now.

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57. Do it now.

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58. Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand.

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59. Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it?

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60. There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley...

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61. However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly.

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62. Menstrual cycles.

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63. You.

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64. Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.

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65. All you have to do it say it.

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66. Just say it.

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67. Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it.

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68. So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.

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69. Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!

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70. It's my car now.

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71. Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.

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72. I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.

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73. Maybe he's going to church. Or court.

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74. Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences.

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75. I will tell on you.

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76. Thank you.

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77. Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day.

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78. So... what else is up? Mich-

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79. [hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him]

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80. Ah-choo!

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81. Thank you.

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82. You're welcome.

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83. Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. Hello?

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84. Hello? Hello?

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85. Jim, what are you doing?

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86. Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-

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87. This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!

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88. K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail.

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89. Woah, woah, woah, Pam!

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90. Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.

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91. No! Pam, I'm over here!

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92. Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.

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93. Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. Done.

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94. Argh! Ahh!!

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95. So what do we know about her?

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96. I hate her too.

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97. Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head.

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98. Would that be such a bad thing?

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99. What?

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100. But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa...

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