Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 20)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 20 of 76

1. I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.

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2. Unbelievable.

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3. Come on. Come on.

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4. Try Dwight.

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5. The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.

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6. Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet.

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7. Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. Get back... Back to work!

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8. Please, I can double your pace.

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9. Let's go.

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10. Jim, move!

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11. Okay.

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12. Two at a time!

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13. You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints.

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14. Everything is fine. You are in the clear.

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15. Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?

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16. Yup?

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17. Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?

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18. Come on!!

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19. Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.

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20. Leave the keys.

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21. Leave the keys!

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22. No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

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23. Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with...

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24. Can I use your phone?

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25. Thanks.

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26. One...

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27. Three...

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28. Seven...

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29. Sure.

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30. Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.

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31. Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.

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32. I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.

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33. My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.

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34. No thank you.

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35. Hey, we nailed the sale!

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36. I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.

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37. I am not a liar.

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38. Stay out of this, you!

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39. Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.

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40. That's what she said.

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41. It's going to be ok.

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42. That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.

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43. Well, I don't have a lot of choices.

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44. Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .

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45. I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.

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46. One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

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47. I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.

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48. For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

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49. I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

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50. How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.

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51. There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

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52. I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.

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53. Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.

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54. Need any help?

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55. Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.

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56. I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.

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57. Dunder-Mifflin.

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58. Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.

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59. Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?

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60. Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.

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61. Hey.

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62. Same old.

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63. Oh my God, she told you?

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64. Accepted.

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65. The boss isn't funny.

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66. I don't get to wear my ties.

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67. So?

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68. I don't want to do your laundry anymore.

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69. Thank you.

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70. You did this for me?

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71. Oh, man. No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out!

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72. How do you know it's going to be a boy?

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73. [Shakes head]

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74. Ow.

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75. What if he's a murderer?

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76. Maybe that's how you die.

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77. I want to do this.

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78. Action.

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79. Alright! Uh!

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80. What?

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81. I'm on it.

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82. Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-

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83. Leave me alone and get the male stripper.

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84. I knew you would, Nancy.

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85. No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?

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86. Nice. Do you have any blonde women?

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87. Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.

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88. Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.

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89. Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.

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90. Is she hot? Text back, 'Kind of.'

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91. I do! I want some man meat!

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92. Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.

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93. We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.

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94. Care for a piece of chocolate?

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95. Who is the king of Austria?

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96. Who is the king of Prussia?

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97. Who is the king of England?

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98. I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

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99. Are you near sighted or far sighted?

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100. GAH!!!

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