Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 23)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 23 of 76

1. Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.

   Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15588

2. Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?

   Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15590

3. I'm Jim Halpert.

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4. Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.

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5. Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put

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6. Say you're sorry times infinity...

   Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15647

7. ...'cause there's no comeback for that.

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8. I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.

   Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15664

9. Very well. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself.

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10. You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down.

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15714

11. Final touch-ups.

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12. Yeah.

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15718

13. I don't know...

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15720

14. [coughs]

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15722

15. ...to the fullest extent of the law. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved.

    Season 3 · Episode 20 · Line 15738

16. That is a demerit.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15742

17. You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15744

18. Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15746

19. Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15748

20. Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15750

21. That is correct.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15752

22. What's a dis... what's that?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15754

23. Move!

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15761

24. Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15807

25. Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15809

26. There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15811

27. Look at that one.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15813

28. Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15816

29. Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15818

30. Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15820

31. Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15825

32. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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33. Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15832

34. Mm, less than three.

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35. You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15838

36. Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15840

37. Alien

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15848

38. I wish I could menstruate.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15863

39. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15864

40. Have you finished with the sketch?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15872

41. Hmm, doesn't seem like the type.

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42. Hmm.

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43. I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15877

44. Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15893

45. No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15895

46. More like, 'Aye, aye, General.'

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15897

47. This is what we

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15901

48. Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15989

49. No. Wholesies.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15991

50. Natch.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15993

51. You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 15995

52. Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16015

53. Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16017

54. Ugh. I'm hanging up.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16019

55. You have information about the sex predator?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16021

56. Where?

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16023

57. Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. PAM!

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16025

58. I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16043

59. If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16045

60. I will never be your vichyssoise.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16048

61. Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.

    Season 3 · Episode 21 · Line 16053

62. OK, where does it hurt?

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16064

63. No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16066

64. 'Abdomen. Menses.'

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16068

65. The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.'

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16070

66. Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16073

67. Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16127

68. I hope there will be management parables.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16129

69. Yes!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16140

70. I choose Michael!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16143

71. OK, temp.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16145

72. We will be called Gryffindor.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16148

73. Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16150

74. He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16152

75. OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16154

76. Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16179

77. What are you saying?

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16181

78. OK, I apologize for yelling at you.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16183

79. I am trying to bring team spirit.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16185

80. Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you bastard! What the? Damn it temp!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16190

81. It's very good for you.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16204

82. You're leaving?

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16215

83. Damn it!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16225

84. Sabotage.

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85. No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16229

86. If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16231

87. Gaaaaa....

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16245

88. Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16247

89. Gryffindor! Gryffindor!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16249

90. That's not why you lost.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16251

91. Yeah, right.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16253

92. Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16255

93. No! It's okay. I will do this Michael.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16312

94. I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16314

95. GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16316

96. Aaagh, aaagh!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16318

97. Aggggh, that stings!

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16321

98. The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, 'Describe your act.' And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, 'What do you call yourselves?' And the man says, 'The Aristocrats!'

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16335

99. I mean truly repulsive acts.

    Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16337

100. Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this?

     Season 3 · Episode 22 · Line 16360