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Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 17)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 17 of 76

  1. Yeah.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10464

  2. Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10466

  3. You want me to flush him?

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10471

  4. Argh... gah!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10485

  5. What? No, this is about the right size.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10487

  6. I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10489

  7. I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10490

  8. Yeah.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10492

  9. Oh, thank you.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10494

  10. Yes, please.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10496

  11. Excellent.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10498

  12. Always.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10500

  13. He's not a songbird.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10516

  14. [begins playing recorder]

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10520

  15. Let's get back to work.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10523

  16. Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10543

  17. Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10544

  18. Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10554

  19. Ow! God!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Line 10597

  20. Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10601

  21. No, I said one of them is not a nickel.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10603

  22. Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10605

  23. A man is found hanging from the ceiling...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10607

  24. A hunter.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10609

  25. Damn it!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10611

  26. So you excited?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10627

  27. Very excited?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10629

  28. Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10631

  29. I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10633

  30. When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10635

  31. Do you know where we are, temp?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10645

  32. I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. AH! When... Damn it.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10647

  33. And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10659

  34. Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10661

  35. It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10663

  36. Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10665

  37. Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10683

  38. It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10701

  39. You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10703

  40. Come on!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10705

  41. Please be seated.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10714

  42. Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10716

  43. Yes.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10718

  44. Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10719

  45. What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10720

  46. Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10722

  47. Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10724

  48. Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10733

  49. Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10735

  50. Wrestle him to the ground.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10737

  51. Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10739

  52. Where are all the animals?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10741

  53. Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10742

  54. You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10743

  55. Screwgun. The sales call!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10745

  56. Establish time frames. Keep the phrase 'real dollars' in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10748

  57. Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10750

  58. Good.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10752

  59. Right.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10754

  60. Uh huh.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10756

  61. Exactly. Yes.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10758

  62. They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10769

  63. Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10771

  64. Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10774

  65. Take a good look at this boy...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10872

  66. ...because you are never going to see him again.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10874

  67. Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10876

  68. I once saw a movie called 'Training Day'. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10879

  69. Get in the car.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10880

  70. Don't you realize the key is inside you?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10882

  71. No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10884

  72. Get in the car. Get... get in the car.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10886

  73. Sales is not all in here. It's also in here.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10887

  74. You know, selling, typing, dialing.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10889

  75. What is that in your ear? A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10891

  76. Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Line 10898

  77. Maybe you've got mono.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 10929

  78. Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 10932

  79. Pam wishes. Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 10952

  80. I see dead people.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 10959

  81. He was dead the whole time.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 10961

  82. Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 11022

  83. Does Michael talk about

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 11177

  84. He does? What does he say.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Line 11179

  85. No!You'll thank me later.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11197

  86. Hey stranger.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11225

  87. Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11227

  88. When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.'

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11229

  89. Yes!

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11274

  90. What's the plan?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11277

  91. Can I drive?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11279

  92. Shotgun!

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11281

  93. Still.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11283

  94. Thank you very much. Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11284

  95. But, do not worry. I have his home address right here.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11286

  96. Christmas card list.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11288

  97. But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11290

  98. So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11318

  99. No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11320

  100. Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Line 11322