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Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 17)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 17 of 76

  1. Yeah.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10464

  2. Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10466

  3. You want me to flush him?

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10471

  4. Argh... gah!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10485

  5. What? No, this is about the right size.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10487

  6. I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10489

  7. I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10490

  8. Yeah.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10492

  9. Oh, thank you.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10494

  10. Yes, please.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10496

  11. Excellent.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10498

  12. Always.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10500

  13. He's not a songbird.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10516

  14. [begins playing recorder]

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10520

  15. Let's get back to work.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10523

  16. Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10543

  17. Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10544

  18. Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor.

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10554

  19. Ow! God!

    Season 3 · Episode 4 · Quote 10597

  20. Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10601

  21. No, I said one of them is not a nickel.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10603

  22. Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10605

  23. A man is found hanging from the ceiling...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10607

  24. A hunter.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10609

  25. Damn it!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10611

  26. So you excited?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10627

  27. Very excited?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10629

  28. Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10631

  29. I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10633

  30. When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10635

  31. Do you know where we are, temp?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10645

  32. I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. AH! When... Damn it.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10647

  33. And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10659

  34. Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10661

  35. It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10663

  36. Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10665

  37. Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10683

  38. It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10701

  39. You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10703

  40. Come on!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10705

  41. Please be seated.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10714

  42. Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10716

  43. Yes.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10718

  44. Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10719

  45. What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10720

  46. Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10722

  47. Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10724

  48. Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10733

  49. Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10735

  50. Wrestle him to the ground.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10737

  51. Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10739

  52. Where are all the animals?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10741

  53. Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10742

  54. You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10743

  55. Screwgun. The sales call!

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10745

  56. Establish time frames. Keep the phrase 'real dollars' in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10748

  57. Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10750

  58. Good.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10752

  59. Right.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10754

  60. Uh huh.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10756

  61. Exactly. Yes.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10758

  62. They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10769

  63. Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10771

  64. Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10774

  65. Take a good look at this boy...

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10872

  66. ...because you are never going to see him again.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10874

  67. Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10876

  68. I once saw a movie called 'Training Day'. It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10879

  69. Get in the car.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10880

  70. Don't you realize the key is inside you?

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10882

  71. No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10884

  72. Get in the car. Get... get in the car.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10886

  73. Sales is not all in here. It's also in here.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10887

  74. You know, selling, typing, dialing.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10889

  75. What is that in your ear? A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10891

  76. Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.

    Season 3 · Episode 5 · Quote 10898

  77. Maybe you've got mono.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 10929

  78. Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 10932

  79. Pam wishes. Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 10952

  80. I see dead people.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 10959

  81. He was dead the whole time.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 10961

  82. Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 11022

  83. Does Michael talk about

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 11177

  84. He does? What does he say.

    Season 3 · Episode 6 · Quote 11179

  85. No!You'll thank me later.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11197

  86. Hey stranger.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11225

  87. Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11227

  88. When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.'

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11229

  89. Yes!

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11274

  90. What's the plan?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11277

  91. Can I drive?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11279

  92. Shotgun!

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11281

  93. Still.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11283

  94. Thank you very much. Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11284

  95. But, do not worry. I have his home address right here.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11286

  96. Christmas card list.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11288

  97. But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11290

  98. So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11318

  99. No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11320

  100. Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.

    Season 3 · Episode 7 · Quote 11322