Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 14)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 14 of 76

1. Thank you, Michael.

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2. No, you will be tested.

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3. You will be. That is the law according to the rules.

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4. Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

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5. Mine was green.

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6. I'm all better.

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7. What kind of filing?

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8. That goes directly to the tester.

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9. Like in a cup?

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10. For what purpose?

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11. Then I refuse.

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12. Are you serious?

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13. But that's illegal.

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14. Not my urine.

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15. Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?

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16. I want him to have all the urine he needs.

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17. I know that. Don't you think I know that?

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18. My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

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19. That's great.

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20. It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.

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21. I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.

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22. Really?

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23. That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .

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24. Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. Can I have a gun?

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25. Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.

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26. Thank you, Michael.

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27. I need to go over some details with you.

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28. First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?

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29. Oh, God.

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30. I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.

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31. People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.

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32. Your turn, Stanley. Angela, you're up.

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33. Go ahead. Don't lie.

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34. No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.

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35. Oh.

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36. Oh.

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37. Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.

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38. Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.

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39. Make-up sex. Nice!

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40. The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.

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41. just drink a lot of water.

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42. You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.

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43. Hey. Hey. Jerry.

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44. Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.

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45. I got it here.

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46. No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.

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47. Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.

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48. Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...

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49. Crowd control, directing traffic...

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50. I've only had to use it once.

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51. Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?

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52. Clown paint.

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53. I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

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54. Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.

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55. Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?

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56. That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!

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57. Okay, question. When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?

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58. That doesn't make any sense.

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59. No.

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60. I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

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61. This is humongous. I am not a security threat...

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62. And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.

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63. I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.

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64. What box?!

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65. Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.

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66. No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?

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67. Him or me?

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68. Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.

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69. Either he goes, or I go.

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70. You choose!

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71. One of us is out of here by the end of today!

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72. I am not bluffing!

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73. Okay?

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74. Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.

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75. I deserve this. You know I do!

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76. You have till five.

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77. Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!

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78. It's a good market. Higher volume.

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79. I have a girlfriend...

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80. So, you going to transfer Jim or not?

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81. I want an answer by tomorrow.

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82. Fine.

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83. Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.

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84. What is this? What happened here?

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85. Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?

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86. A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank.

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87. Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.

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88. Oh, no, no, don't! I can't...

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89. This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not.

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90. No, there's no blood.

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91. Possibly.

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92. No, Jim, no! Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?

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93. He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.

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94. I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken.

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95. Let me see your ID.

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96. I gave her a higher clearance than you.

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97. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

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98. I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down.

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99. Yes, sir.

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100. Thank you. No, come on... God!

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