Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 15)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 15 of 76

1. I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9080

2. I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9082

3. Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9085

4. Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9087

5. How would you do that?

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9089

6. You can't be serious. Are you serious?

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9091

7. I don't believe you. Continue.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9093

8. That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9095

9. Oh, my God.

   Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9097

10. Yes!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9120

11. Wait, canine AIDS?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9142

12. Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9164

13. When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9166

14. Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9262

15. I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.'

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9263

16. I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9292

17. Hey, hey.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9310

18. Jan's here.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9312

19. Give me the dice.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9313

20. Let's go.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9315

21. Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9318

22. Thank you, Angela.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9321

23. Yeah! Yeah!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9323

24. Give me the dice!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9326

25. Come on, shooter!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9350

26. Come on. So where you staying? Radisson?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9356

27. Super 8?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9358

28. Motel 6? Best Western?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9360

29. Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9362

30. Nice, very nice.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9369

31. Oh, man!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9372

32. Do you need anything?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9447

33. Should I get water or donuts?

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9449

34. Come on, let's go. Take a seat.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9451

35. Office Depot!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9454

36. The planet Caprica.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9458

37. It's from Battlestar Galactica.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9460

38. Yeah, get them, Creed!

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9470

39. My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9472

40. I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though.

    Season 2 · Episode 22 · Quote 9474

41. Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim!

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9495

42. Of course.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9529

43. Absolutely not.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9531

44. Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9533

45. You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9535

46. I really don't think so.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9538

47. [creepy smile]

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9540

48. Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9542

49. Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9544

50. Definitely.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9546

51. Damn. I'll try Brookstone.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9549

52. Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9583

53. Ah damn pop-ups.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9585

54. I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9597

55. What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9599

56. Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9620

57. 'Hope this helps. -Jim' Nice!

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9627

58. Shhh. Don't be scared. It works. ...oh no.

    Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9629

59. Don't be mad, it is a business trip.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9696

60. Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9698

61. Yes, Monkey.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9700

62. And your veil.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9712

63. Um.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9718

64. I got it.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9720

65. I got it.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9722

66. Um.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9723

67. Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9731

68. Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9739

69. Shut up. That's impossible.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9742

70. Well, I did it too.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9744

71. So what kind of commissions you get up there?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9751

72. You're so immature!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9753

73. Hey, Jan.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9758

74. This party is going to be awesome.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9772

75. Check it out.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9774

76. Wow.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9776

77. I'll do a shot, Michael.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9790

78. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9794

79. I'm a huge fan.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9796

80. Why do they call him The Bus?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9803

81. Smile!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9805

82. You don't have email on your phone.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9809

83. No one just called you.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9811

84. Yes. Anything.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9818

85. I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9820

86. So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9828

87. He wasn't volunteering today.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9830

88. Whoa. Michael.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9844

89. Was that your per diem?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9847

90. Hey, Michael.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9861

91. Keep the wing flaps.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9869

92. Come on. Nice try, Josh!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9874

93. Yes! Ha!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9894

94. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9957

95. Blood, urine, or semen.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9959

96. Mm-hm.

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9976

97. No!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9978

98. What would you have done? Been manager?

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9980

99. You? A bottle capper?!

    Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9982

100. So, you ever been convicted of a felony?

     Season 3 · Episode 2 · Quote 9986