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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 9)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 9 of 122

  1. Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2433

  2. Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2435

  3. Oh. Bad boy. Um... Ryan?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2438

  4. Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2440

  5. Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2454

  6. Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. 'Old School'.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2456

  7. Yes, Toby?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2458

  8. Um... literally two seconds?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2460

  9. Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2461

  10. No, no, Toby. No.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2463

  11. It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2465

  12. What?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2467

  13. NO!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2469

  14. What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2471

  15. There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2473

  16. Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. So, take it away.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2474

  17. I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2476

  18. A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says 'Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?' This is what's at stake.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2477

  19. Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2478

  20. Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2480

  21. Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2484

  22. Oooh, okay. That was still about me.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2486

  23. What?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2488

  24. I don't feel bad.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2490

  25. No, I don't.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2492

  26. Okay.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2494

  27. Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2496

  28. Thank you.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2498

  29. Hi, is it over?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2511

  30. No.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2513

  31. I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2515

  32. Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2517

  33. Exactly! Mmwwah! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2519

  34. Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2521

  35. I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2526

  36. No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2528

  37. She would have definitely slept with me.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2530

  38. Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2532

  39. What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her 'partner' in to work? Would that be crossing the line?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2535

  40. What if they made out? In front of everybody?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2537

  41. At home? And I told everybody everything about it.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2539

  42. Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2541

  43. I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2543

  44. That's what she said. Pam?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2545

  45. That's what she sai Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2547

  46. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2572

  47. Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2574

  48. So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2578

  49. Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2580

  50. When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2581

  51. The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2583

  52. Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2585

  53. No, I've seen the video.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2587

  54. No, I didn't. Huh, what?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2589

  55. Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2590

  56. Mmmhmm. Yes.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2592

  57. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2594

  58. Come on.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2596

  59. Mwah!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2599

  60. You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2601

  61. It's... That's...

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2603

  62. Okay. Hello. Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2605

  63. I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2607

  64. This guy does it all.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2609

  65. What?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2611

  66. So I'm not in trouble?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2613

  67. I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2614

  68. Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2615

  69. I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2617

  70. No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2657

  71. Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2659

  72. No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2661

  73. I don't know about that.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2663

  74. Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2665

  75. Yes, your corner. Go.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2667

  76. Mmmhmmm.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2669

  77. They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2671

  78. Oooh!

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2673

  79. I'm not worried.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2675

  80. You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2677

  81. Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2678

  82. Good morning, Pam.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2680

  83. What's going on?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2682

  84. What?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2684

  85. I don't get what you mean.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2686

  86. Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or...

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2688

  87. Yes, well, of course. Of course.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2690

  88. Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2699

  89. No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating...

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2701

  90. Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2703

  91. You say yes, and we go out.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2705

  92. And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2707

  93. Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, 'Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason.' I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.

    Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2708

  94. I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2719

  95. Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2721

  96. Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. 'Home Alone,' 'Risky Business.' Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2723

  97. Ok. Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2725

  98. Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2726

  99. Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2728

  100. Maybe.

    Season 2 · Episode 3 · Line 2730