Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 61)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 61 of 122

1. No, Baah! But he's married to her!

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2. No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger.

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3. Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator.

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4. No!

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5. God, does anybody read the paper?!

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6. You're welcome.

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7. I don't like that story babe.

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8. Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible.

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9. Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!

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10. So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.

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11. Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of 'Serenity by Jan' What do you think about that?

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12. I'm sorry. What now?

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13. Dwight is my friend.

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14. You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person.

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15. Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?

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16. When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children.

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17. Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?

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18. Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food.

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19. I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. Hey, looks great babe.

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20. You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?

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21. Excuse me for a second.

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22. Ok... alright... here we go. There. Oooookay.

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23. Everybody enjoying their meal?

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24. Yeah?

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25. No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.

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26. Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good.

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27. BFD. I'm a screenwriter.

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28. NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!

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29. MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!

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30. OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!

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31. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe!

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32. You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon.

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33. Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.

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34. Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma.

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35. Would she get into trouble?

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36. I will take the fall. I did it.

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37. Jim? Pam?

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38. No.

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39. Nope.

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40. My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room.

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41. Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious.

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42. They need to be presented... royally... anyone?

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43. Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking.

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44. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

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45. Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.

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46. Yes.

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47. So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog...

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48. And the neighbors blamed Jan.

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49. It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds...

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50. So...

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51. Well.

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52. Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.

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53. Have you ever seen this woman?

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54. Hmm...

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55. Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.

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56. Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?

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57. I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.

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58. What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results.

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59. Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85.

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60. I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all.

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61. Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?

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62. I thought that you were engaged?

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63. Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?

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64. Oh...

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65. Yeah... ugh. She's... you don't deserve her. Alright.

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66. Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm...

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67. What?

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68. Oh.

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69. Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?

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70. Oooo. Catcher or in field?

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71. Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?

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72. I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? It bothers me that you're not answering the question.

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73. Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!

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74. What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry.

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75. Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes.

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76. Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear 'Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la.' No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired.

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77. Hmm..

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78. Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. OK, yes that would be bad.

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79. That would be bad.

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80. Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.

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81. What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.

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82. Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.

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83. Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try.

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84. Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael.

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85. Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?

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86. Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?

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87. Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready.

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88. Well put it aside. Umm... yeah.

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89. Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model...

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90. That sounds good. Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go.

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91. She's dead? She's so young.

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92. Oh, God. Oh...

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93. Try not to be so hurtful Jim.

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94. Please, not at a time like this.

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95. Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?

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96. I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?

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97. No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.

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98. No, not the five families.

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99. Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now.

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100. Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady.

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