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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 4)

Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, World's Best Boss.

12,176 quotes · page 4 of 122

  1. I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1014

  2. Which one is that again?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1016

  3. Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1018

  4. You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1020

  5. Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1032

  6. It's surprise Meredith. One, two...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1041

  7. Find a key.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1043

  8. And many more!

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1050

  9. You were surprised, weren't you?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1052

  10. You looked freaked, man. We said 'Surprise.' You were, like, 'What?' 'What the hell's goin' on here?' Good cake. Why don't you have some?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1054

  11. Come on. A little bit.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1056

  12. Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1058

  13. You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1060

  14. Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1065

  15. Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1067

  16. Is Oscar around?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1069

  17. I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1070

  18. I know...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1072

  19. Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1074

  20. No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1076

  21. How many miles did he do last year?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1078

  22. Son of a bitch. That is impressive.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1080

  23. Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1082

  24. I don't know about that.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1084

  25. Huh! Thanks, downer.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1086

  26. Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1088

  27. You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... 'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1090

  28. Divorce. Um... OK, 'Meredith is so old...'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1092

  29. Everybody? If... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1094

  30. She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1096

  31. That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1097

  32. This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1099

  33. OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1102

  34. Per mile, yes.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1104

  35. When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1105

  36. A check for the kids, and for the team.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1106

  37. I want it to be like... 'Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?' 'Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott.' 'But it was anonymous, how do you know?' 'Because I'm him.'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1107

  38. Come here. Don't cash that till Friday, OK?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1109

  39. All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. 'Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?' Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1145

  40. No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, 'Oh, oh-hum.' A beautiful sunset, 'No, I'll catch the next one.' Right? Unicorn walks into the office, 'Oh, do you have an appointment?' Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1147

  41. Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1149

  42. Okay.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1151

  43. I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1153

  44. I know, I know, we will wait.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1155

  45. We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1157

  46. Tell me if I'm smiling or not. Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1159

  47. Okay, let me try this one. Hi Pam, how are you?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1161

  48. I mean you can tell.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1163

  49. I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1165

  50. Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1167

  51. Show time! It's show time!

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1169

  52. Okay.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1171

  53. Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1193

  54. No, not at all come on in. No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1195

  55. I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1197

  56. That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. Mifflin, spifflin.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1199

  57. Hey.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1202

  58. Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1204

  59. There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1206

  60. I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1208

  61. Which one is that again?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1210

  62. Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1212

  63. Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1214

  64. Help me out here.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1216

  65. No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1218

  66. What?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1220

  67. There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1222

  68. Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1223

  69. I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, 'Brr, brr.' And I went, 'Argh, Argh.' You know? Anything? Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1225

  70. Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1226

  71. No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1228

  72. No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1230

  73. Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1232

  74. Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1235

  75. You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um...'Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.' 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1237

  76. Divorce. Um... Okay, 'Meredith is so old...'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1239

  77. If everybody... could do it? 'Meredith is so old...'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1241

  78. She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.'

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1243

  79. What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1244

  80. Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. We just picked the best one right? Just had it.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1246

  81. Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.

    Season 1 · Episode 4 · Line 1248

  82. [to Jim]: Hey, you ready?

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1252

  83. All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. Very good. Excellent, excellent.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1253

  84. Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1255

  85. Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1256

  86. No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1258

  87. When I let him come to my pick-up game...

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1260

  88. I vouched for you.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1262

  89. I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1264

  90. Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1266

  91. Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1268

  92. No, it's not. It's lower, so...

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1270

  93. All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1276

  94. And here we have 'Mister Roger's Neighborhood.' Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1278

  95. And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1280

  96. No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1282

  97. And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1285

  98. You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1287

  99. So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1290

  100. Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.

    Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1292