Michael Scott Quotes from The Office | Page 2

Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.

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Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?

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Did you have a good weekend going there?

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Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. Oh, hey! This is Oscar---

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Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!

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Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?

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It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.

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Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!

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You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.

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Exactly, were not...

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With tolerance.

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Ignorance.

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Let's celebrate.

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Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?

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You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.

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Yes.

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OK.

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Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.

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OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...

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Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.

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How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

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I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.

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OK, I will play guy listening.

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OK.

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Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

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OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... I take care of my kid!

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They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!

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What you want a cookie?

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I don't think I can sign this.

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Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?

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Sure.

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Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.

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OK, well I know. You told me that several times.

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OK.

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Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.

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I won't.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness...' Open-mindedness, is that even a word? '...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' He's going to lose it when he reads that.

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I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.' I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, 'Mr. Brown,' he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.

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All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.

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Get out.

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No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.

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Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

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OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?

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Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.

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Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...

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Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.

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Two fifteenths.

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Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.

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Oh, yeah...

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Wow.

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Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?

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Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?

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Well, it has certain connotations.

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Like... I don't... I don't know.

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No. Now, remember that honesty...

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...empathy, respect... Jim! Jim!

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I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.

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Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...

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Oh this is a good one.

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Push it.

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Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.

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No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.

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Pam, come on. 'I like your food.' Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.

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You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. 'Too soon for Arabs.' Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

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OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.

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Kelly, how are you?

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Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my...

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All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

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I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.

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Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.

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What?

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That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.

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Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.

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No, the country.

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Yeah, more like a 1,000.

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I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...

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Expectations....

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Thank you. Sharing...

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And tolerance.

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Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.

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I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...

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No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.

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Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.

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Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?

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Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.

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In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. No doubt about it.

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Are we going? Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.

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Should I... turn, no. Do it again.

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Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.

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Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.

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Don't. Please don't say anything. Oh, God.

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Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

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I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.

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Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.

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Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going.

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Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?

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Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.

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Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my... All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?

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What, huh?

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Michael Scott Quotes from The Office (page 2)