Dwight Schrute Quotes from The Office (page 75)

Assistant to the Regional Manager, beet farmer, volunteer sheriff's deputy.

7,537 quotes · page 75 of 76

1. Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore.

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58991

2. I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable?

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58993

3. I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind?

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4. That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 58997

5. That means ye, Plop!

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6. We owe Andy that much. Am I right people?

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7. You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending.

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59028

8. Wow, the honor. God, I envy them.

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59030

9. You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it.

   Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59032

10. Not even close, Meredith. Come on!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59042

11. Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59046

12. No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59061

13. A thousand times more.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59091

14. No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59096

15. Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59098

16. I know.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59114

17. Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant-

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59116

18. Me.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59118

19. Yes! Thank you.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59120

20. Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59122

21. Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59181

22. Oink the pigs, that is very important.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59193

23. The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59195

24. Thank you, Esther.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59196

25. I need you to perform a test.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59199

26. On an innocent baby.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59201

27. Damn straight.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59203

28. Hey, he can handle it.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59205

29. Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59210

30. Okay. You ever been in a manager's office before?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59214

31. Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called 'Schrute or Consequences.' You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59215

32. Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59217

33. That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59232

34. Door. Chair. It's about Phillip.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59288

35. I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59290

36. Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59292

37. Very well.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59294

38. Yes.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59296

39. Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59299

40. Now.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59301

41. Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59303

42. I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59307

43. She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59309

44. Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.

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45. And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.

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46. Angela.

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47. Some sort of virus?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59317

48. Oh.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59319

49. You're a good assistant, Jim.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59321

50. That's very true. Get the hell outta here.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59323

51. Pull over!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59345

52. Move to the side of the road!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59347

53. Pull over!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59349

54. Shut up, woman!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59352

55. Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59354

56. This expresses how loudly I love you.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59356

57. This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59358

58. I love you!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59360

59. What?

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59362

60. What? Why would you say that'

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59364

61. Get out! I'm a dad!

    Season 9 · Episode 22 · Line 59366

62. The documentary series finished airing ages ago. Why is PBS sending another crew?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59388

63. pff, Nobody buys DVDs anymore.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59390

64. PBS. The propaganda wing of Bill and Melinda Gates and viewers like you.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59392

65. In the past year, I have consolidated the entire Scranton paper market. We regained the white pages, the school district, Lackawanna county. We supply them all. I'm getting married tomorrow afternoon, and in the morning, there's a mini-reunion. A kind of a 'where are they now' panel at a local theatre. It'll be nice to see everyone again. I haven't seen Kevin since we let him go.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59393

66. Today marks several important milestones. Stanley, as you know, is retiring.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59394

67. No! And our next and most thickly frosted cake is'for'Kevin.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59398

68. Go ahead and just read the frosting.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59400

69. Uh-huh.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59402

70. It's a colloquial way of saying 'you're fired,' Kevin, which you are.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59404

71. The cake has spoken Pam. Sorry.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59406

72. Well if anyone here can make a case for Kevin staying.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59408

73. Based'on his merit.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59410

74. Toby, wait. Wait. Hold that thought. Here's your cake. Bye, bye Toby.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59416

75. That is all. Have a good morning.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59426

76. What was that for?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59428

77. Ah. I know. It just feels so empty with so many of the old gang gone.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59430

78. Oh, and the old man to feed us the cheese that he's been fermenting since the day of my birth. You keep forgetting about him.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59432

79. I brought in some new faces, and one old. I always like Devon. I hired him back after Creed faked his own death in the baler the day after the doc aired. The only person he fooled was Kevin. Then the police showed up. Turns out, Creed was in the band 'The Grass Roots' in the 1960's. During that time, the police say he sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59434

80. Oh hey, Jim. I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won't be necessary tonight.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59446

81. Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he's been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59449

82. What? Ooh!

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83. I thought you guys couldn't come.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59502

84. Uh, better ask Jim.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59506

85. Wait, why are we stopping? Jim, this isn't on the itinerary.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59525

86. Jim'wha' Come on! What'what are you gonna whack me, Jim?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59527

87. A bazooka. You remembered.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59529

88. [tearful laugh]. Get out of my way.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59531

89. Woo! Okay!

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59533

90. Amazing.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59537

91. Man, how long have we been sitting here?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59560

92. Oh, Thank God. We are famished!

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59564

93. No, we haven't ordered anything. No one's even taken our drinks. Uh, what is the chef special?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59567

94. Oh, we do. So we'll have an onion loaf for the table, please. And tell us about your heartiest soups.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59569

95. Yes, an onion loaf for the table but that's not all. Now the chef special sounded good. What is it exactly?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59571

96. Okay, what are you doing? Are you giving me a taste of the chef's special? Tastes like cigarettes. That won't work. That's no good.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59573

97. Now, for the last time, I'd like a side salad with balsamic.

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59600

98. You're telling me!

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59602

99. What for? We haven't even gotten bread yet. Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato? Do you have those? Those aren't deep fried, right?

    Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59604

100. Oh, man, never thought I'd say this but I think I ate too much bone marrow.

     Season 9 · Episode 23 · Line 59613